Friday, April 27, 2007

The Days of Our Beds

So, don't know if you've noticed, but there’s this whole new trend towards this kind of day bed business, which I simply do not understand.

As someone not so gifted in the leg department – ok, more specifically the leg length department, Lord knows I have enough leg muscle to make a rugby player jealous – I find these bloody day beds rather uncomfortable. I end up looking like I’m in some sort of Alice in Wonderland situation. Cute on a kid, not so cute on a grown woman.

Sure, they’re great for lying on and reading a book, but then again, so is my normal couch (which I promise to post pictures of once it’s in the new bachelorette pad – two weeks and counting).

Frankly, if I want a couch that will double as a bed I’ll buy one of those crazy, not-so-new inventions known as a sofabed. They do exist, they’re rather practical and make so much more sense. They may not have the wank appeal that this one does, but then again I never wanted to be known as a wanker.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Vintage velour

First of all, apologies for being off the radar for a few days. My new job where I actually get paid to write stuff for the Web is keeping me busy. But now I've got a handle on the whole HTML authoring thing, I should be cool.
Anyways, check this out. Obviously quite the fugly little number in its own right - love the carved wood arms. But what truly fugs it up is the fact that the cushions are reversible. Yep, that dark brown one on the left isn't just there because a bad accident happened to one of the cushions, it's actually the flip side of all the other cushions. Apparently it gives you "the option of having a summer or winter look". My only concern with a couch in summer is the sweat patch factor. In winter, I don't want my butt to freeze on it. Colour - not so fussed about. Call me crazy (and you won't be the first one to do so), but am not fussing over the appropriateness of my couch to the seasons. We are not in a flip flops vs calf length boots shoe option debate here - it's furniture. It's in your house, not wandering the streets.

The couch of destruction

Wow. And again, WOW...
Karen sent me this (muchas gracias, amiga). She didn't go into any detail about whether it was hers or belonged to a friend.
Looks like it would have been an ok couch before it got turned into the world's biggest chew toy (come to think of it, there's probably another blog in that. Feel free to pinch the idea, have got enough on my plate in fugly couch world). Am assuming this is the work of some rather bored and, at the same time, excited dogs. Though Karen is the rather exceptionally gifted mother of six children. Perhaps she left the kids alone and without enough distractions one day? Karen, feel free to explain in comments.
Am considering getting a dog after I move into my new bachelorette pad. Ideally wanna get a girl beagle and call her Lucy, after Lucy Van Pelt, a long-time personal heroine. My fear is Lucy may turn my furniture into chew toys too, especially if I get her from the Lost Dogs Home or RSPCA, as I am hoping too. Watch this space (well, maybe not this space exactly, but the blog. If I do become a Mama, will definitely be posting brag pics).

Monday, April 16, 2007

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows...

Confession time. As a small child, I was kinda obsessed with rainbows. I was mad for colours and as many as possible in one place. I used to beg my parents to let me get a whole bunch of sample pots from Bristol paints and go crazy painting my room. I thought it was also a great way to paint a room for free. Lord knows how I love a bargain. However, my parents love of beige won out, of course (way to stunt my self-expression, Mum and Dad).

Little Bec would have thought this couch was the dog's bollocks. Am pretty sure I would have fantasised about owning this couch when I grew up. This was pre my New York loft fantasy, obviously.

Thankfully, as a grown-up (or at least someone who pretends to be one) I now accept that my previous obsession with colour was wrong. Much like my earlier love of Bros.

Grown-up Bec would prefer to see this couch thrown over that balcony in the background, preferably as John Howard and George Bush go for a powerwalk along the street.

I shall now stop referring to myself in the third person. DziekujÄ™.

Sweat patches from hell

If I had a webcam I would post a photo of how screwed up my face is looking right now after finding this couch. My face is all distorted and my brow is all furrowed. I better be careful, or the wind might change. Either that, or I may have to get some botox tips from Nicole Kidman, and I don't think anyone wants to see another plastic face wandering around.

I'm wondering if this couch is actually wet, or whether those are sweat patches left after some serious couch potato action on the weekend. Or perhaps it's remnant skin cells from the person who got stuck to this couch after sitting on it on a summer's day. They're never getting that top layer of skin back. This couch may prove a useful skin donor site if the person who owns it ever gets burnt. Though, having said that, I guess there's a fair danger the friction generated from this man-made fabric monstrosity may be the cause of the burns, so it's kind of a self-defeating exercise.

Pretending to be leather

Sometimes on eBay, I come across some wee gems of descriptions.

Gotta love this one (complete with many sics, though thumbs up for effort)....

**This is being re-listed due to the previous buyers transport falling through. Make sure you have transport for this item BEFORE you bid. I shouldn't have to say that, but it appears I do.
this exquisite 'modern classic' is an essential addition to any home. Featuring Cussions, padded armrests and deep seating with a high back, you need not look elsewhere for the perfect pretending to be leather couch. Although it is only pretending to be leather, your friends will never know.
Rich in history, this couch has such bottoms on it as 'Mum', 'Dad', 'My little sister', My Girlfriend before the one I have now', The girlfriend I have now' and the girlfriend before the one before the one I have now'.
For your chance to own this unique, once in a lifetime couch, simply beat the other guy in the auction. If there is no other guy, simply come up with 20 bucks. I recently had Tim Shaw from Demtel ring me up and beg me to let him tell everyone about this couch. I said "no", for he is not worthy.
A couch of this magnitude will need picking up by the winning bidder.
The lucky new owner will need to have a space of at least 150 wide, 90 high and at least 100 deep for his new star piece to reside.
The overall condition of this spectacular specimen can only be described as very good. there are a couple of small nicks in the back of the couch. I solved this problem by butting the couch against a wall and no-one knew, however, the unit's overall appearance is, once again, VERY GOOD!
As a bargain hunter of the highest magnitude would expect, the cussions are removeable via long lengths of velcro, so you know the quality is present.
Runnahmuk, his associates and henchmen do not recommend placement of this couch in front of garage door, as in photo, we recommend pride of place in the lounge.
Will consider trade for Corvette or other American muscle car.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Pass the Neurofen

This couch gives me a migraine.

Imagine waking up with a hangover, stumbling to the kitchen to fix yourself a nourishing Full Irish Fry and then seeing this. Chunder central, me thinks... I advise strategic bucket placement if you're keen on purchasing this couch (and suggest you stop reading my blog if this couch tickles your fancy, because it's probably not for you).

Golden, greasy brown

At first glance I thought the person who owned this couch must rarely wash their hair and probably wasn't all that keen on other hygiene regimes either. The reason for the judgement? Well, what appear to be massive grease stains on the leather of this couch.
Alas, I was wrong. Apparently this couch is supposed to look like this. Here's an excerpt from its eBay description.
"The leather is soft and luxurious, and is made to look aged and cracked, giving the sofas a New York loft apartment feel, yet they are modern and trendy and I dont think I have come across anything to this standard since I have been here. "
How silly of me not to recognise the couch's inherent modernity and trendiness. See, as a child I used to harbour the desire of living in a loft in New York. Part of me still has that desire - along with a few million other people. I'm familiar with what qualifies as furniture appropriate to a loft setting, so I should have picked up that this couch has that style about it. Apparently, I shouldn't have missed that appointment at the opthamologists this week.
And am glad about the owners not having come across anything like that since they arrived from the UK to Australia two years ago - thank God for small blessings. That's right, the owners of this apparently bothered their arses to ship this fugly monster from the UK. Why?
$1200 and it's yours. Pick up from Brisvegas. What are you waiting for?

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Muscle cars, oh yeah...

This is wrong. I get cutting up old cars such as Chevys and '50s Falcons to make a couch. They have curves and chrome and other gorgeous design features. Plus, presumably they're cutting up cars that have lived their lives and would otherwise be destined for the scrapyard. This is just fugly. Look at it:

I like the framing of this pic so the rear is in the mirror, though I think it's aided by Photoshop because I can't quite work out the angles (but was never good at math anyways, unless it involves working out the percentage off at a sale and then I am totally ok). Nevertheless, it's v classy. And the tyre coffee table really completes the room, donchya think?

This kind of looks like it should be a ride that spins you around and makes you all woozy. I don't like those rides. Am more of a drop-your-guts Big Dipper rollercoaster kinda gal. I one day hope to complete a rollercoaster tour of America - that's right up there on my "things I'll do when I win the lottery" list. For real, not pretends. I don't joke about rollercoasters...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

More floral fugliness

The owners of this couch inherited it from a great aunt. It doesn't match their "modern" decor. The fact the couch is so fugly they can't even be bothered tainting their lounge room with it for the photograph should suggest to them that they would be grateful for any bids and start off the auction with no reserve. But no, they thought a $375 opening bid would get the ball rolling. Surprise, surprise, no bidders. $20 in the hand will get you a jug and a bowl of fries down my local (or two parmas at Tuesday night trivia), greed will get you nothing but a $4 eBay listing fee down the drain and the cost of a call to the Salvos begging them to get this fugly number out of your driveway.

Zealous zebra prints

I'm kinda scared of this couch. It's all in your face, Chapel St Prahran, flash-your-cash fashion. You know the type of person who'd own this. It may be pathetic on my part, but those people intimidate me. Because I'm at my most comfortable in a pair of jeans and a rugby top (much to many of my gay friends' chagrin) and I don't reckon you'd even be allowed to sit on a couch like this wearing that...
And I'm pissed off they've ripped off what would have been a lovely old '50s couch design and fugged it up with the zebra print. Leave it alone you pretentious prats!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

A sea of floral

I'm no expert in digital photography and manipulation (and I encourage those who are to post their opinions in the comments section), but this looks to me like these crazy people have gone and placed their couch by the sea to photograph it for sale on eBay... What the fug?

I'm all for a comfy banana lounge when on the beach. And I spent a good portion of yesterday kicking back with a glass or 10 of red on the now "outdoor" couch at my mate Chris's place. But why on earth would you try and enhance the saleability of your couch by photographing it by the sea? WHY???

And I have to say I'm a little disturbed by how the fugly fabric kinda blends in with the mottled concrete of the pier or whatever the hell the couch is on. I don't want anything resembling concrete in my house, certainly not in couch form. Concrete is for outside, for the classic wog front garden and the little old Nonna or Nonno to hose down (like they used to do in pre-Stage 4 water restrictions days, not so much these days. Don't be a Wally with water, people).

Tarty tartan tarte tatins

I've resisted posting any of the myriad tartan fugly couches out there in eBay land, until now.

The reason for caving in is the sheer size of this tartan job. It's a six seater couch. I don't know many people with the space for a six seater. Thankfully, I know no-one who would choose to upholster a six seater in this fabric.

So this is it, what I hope will be the one and only tartan number to appear here on Most Fugly Couch (am not making promises, don't like to make a promise I am not certain I can keep), because as a rule, they're just too easy a shot.

PS Like the sponged paint work here? The previous owner of my oh-so-swanky and soon-to-be-mine bachelorette pad decided he would wallpaper the second bedroom with blue and white sponged-affect paper. Thankfully he didn't attempt any other renovations I'd have to undo.

Couch potato

Please forgive me this indulgence. I found this on one of my eBay hunting missions. I don't think he's fulgy, he's quite cute actually. He's got everything I want in a man - nice smile, eyes you could lose yourself in...

Kinda makes you wonder if some people have too much time on their hands. But then, I'm a woman searching for and writing about fugly couches for my own (and hopefully your) amusement.

See below for item description and Q&A from eBay.

This is a real potato looking for a home . The new owner must love it as much as its current owner and must be able to provide him with his own couch.
Spud will sit with you while you read, watch tele, play on the computer or even bid on ebay. He is great company with no demands.
Sun baking is not good for spud , and although he loves a good Sunday roast, he is less than enthusiastic about being part of one. Spud is one of a kind and is certainly not a chip off the old block,
He measures approximately 20cms tall and 9cms wide round his tummy.
Question & Answer
hi just wondering if spud gets moody around tea time when the family is devouring his relatives,and what is his life span?
Funnily enough spud seems to sweat early in the morning, around midday and early in the evening. More deodorant has been my suggestion. As he sits and watches me now whilst I type this, spud assuures me he will live forever if not physically or vegetabbly, in the hearts, minds even tummys of anyone who has the great honour and dare I say privilege of owning him.
Hi i was looking on ebay and came across spud. I am interested in buying him but just curious about one thing: i love dancing and was wondering "can spud dance - for example can he do the mashed potato?"
It's his favourite dance!!!! He loves to wiggle around and have a good time. You'll often hear him in peels of laughter as he enjoys this pasttime.
how old is he and does he go to the footy with his mates drinking or stay at home with the misses?
Spud is in his first year in his 'above ground years' so therefore is a new age sensitive tatta. He does love the footy, (cat fan) but would prefer to take the missus not his mates. He doesn't drink as he is aware he may end up in boiling water.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

It's not easy being fugly and green

This is truly fugly. It doesn't even look comfortable. I can't quite get my head around the design aesthetic for it, either. And the burgundy carpet is not helping things.

Please, post a suggestion in the comments box if you can explain this truly hideous number to me.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Lumpy, frumpy fugliness

This couch has had its day, why won't the owners let it die in peace? It's got more lumps than Oprah Winfrey's thighs and yet they're clinging on to it, trying to keep it alive like it's Sunny von Bulow or something, and they're hoping to flog it off for $49.95. Accept you got your use out of this couch and move on, people!

Them crazy Swedish kids

Normally furniture doesn't come more sanitised and inoffensive than Ikea gear. They may not set the world on fire with their designs, but then they don't tend to offend with flaming couches either.

Yet then there is this couch:

I really hate this couch. Strong word, I know, but the more I look at this couch, the more it pisses me off. It is, dare I say, unworthy of coming from the Ikea stable. It's the black sheep of the Ikea family, the Teddy Kennedy (post Chappaquiddick). Nobody, and no couch, wants to be the black sheep who killed a girl and spends his life denying any guilt, even if turns out that he's Teflon-coated and manages to get himself seen as the darling of the left, the elder statesman, by virtue of the fact his other two brothers were killed, leaving him to be the sole male heir to the Camelot dynasty...

Wow, something took a hold there. I think I just ate some dodgy salami. Obviously I don't think any couch, no matter how fugly, is too concerned about crashing their car into a bridge and killing an innocent person because couches don't have cars. Though there are some made of cars. You know, the ones where they chop off the boot/trunk of a 1950s Falcon or something similar and turn it into a couch. Like this:

Or this one:

Makes me wanna head down to the Peach Pit and order a soda and fries from Nat. I hope Brandon will be there. He's so dreamy. And maybe Dylan will pop by. He's even dreamier...

*In an aside, when I was in Prague with my friends Gosia and Glenn, we stumbled across a bar devoted to Beverly Hills 90210. It was fantastic. We sat around drinking beer and eating popcorn (???) while pretending to be Brenda and Kelly. Good times...*

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

The circle of fugliness

So this couch does appeal to my love/lust for the quirky and kitsch. I don't think it's all that fugly, to be fair to the couch. It's got the retro/camp quality I so often seek and so infrequently find.

I am, however, astounded by the starting price for this couch - $1800! WTF? That's a hard shape to live with, requiring a large "rumpus" room, me thinks. You can't even lie down on that bad boy, unless you've already got curvature of the spine or something.

Hey, undoubtedly there is no better couch for passing a number along on (apart from when you get to the end of the semi-circle, things may go a little crazy then), but am thinking there's not too many potheads with enough change left over from munchie shopping to shell out $1800 for this couch.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Comprare da Franco Cozzo!

I've had this one up my sleeve pretty much since starting my quest. Been worried it was too easy. Everyone knows Franco Cozzo and his like are born to feature here on Most Fugly Couch. My mate Ben even posted a comment about notifying Signor Cozzo's lawyers that my blog existed.
During last year's World Cup, Franco Cozzo promised to give a bed to every member of the Australian team if they brought home the trophy from Germany. Maybe that's why they lost to Italy, they just couldn't face the thought of a bit of Cozzo in their bedroom.

This couch be thirsty

I think this fugly number is the Keith Richards of the couch world. All beaten and worn, abused and wasted, looking beyond redemption at what must surely be the end of its life after many years of neglect.

I love a well-worn leather jacket, a scuffed up pair of hiking boots, hell, even the right handbag can look good all broken in. But it's not a look I want in my leather couch. If I (God-forbid) owned this couch, I would be highly aware that this couch had reached the end of its days. A long time ago. Apparently the people who do own it think otherwise - I found it on eBay. No bids so far. Funny that.