Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Basic black couch: ok.
A couple of leopard print cushions as an accent: a bit pimp daddy for my liking, but not truly revolting.
However, once you get past the two, maybe even three, leopard print cushions you start getting a little too South African Safari for my tastes. Especially when the owners offered to throw in a matching rug (sadly, they didn't put a picture of that on eBay).
This is advertised as a couch. Not as a park bench, not as somewhere to sit while waiting for the tram, not even as applicable for a hospital or the like, none of these things.
I have a few basic criteria for a couch, and comfort is right up there. This does not look comfortable. This does not look like something I would fall asleep on while watching Family Guy, even though I really want to stay awake but it's just on so bloody late - damn you, Channel 7 - and I'm trying to walk home from work these days, so am pretty tired by about 10.30pm... (oops, sorry, went off on one there).
Back to the couch. It seems there are matching armchairs:
Am all for this sort of furniture in an airport. Have slept on similar couches at Charles de Gaulle and Edinburgh. Slept on worse at Heathrow. But please, please, don't suggest this belongs in someone's home, especially not mine.
My good mate Zoe in London put me on to this fugly blue number (also available in brown, but that still doesn't make it right). Apparently the landlady at her new flat is suggesting this should be what Zoe sits on while she belts out her karaoke numbers on Playstation Singstar and partakes in strong cider (good woman, she is). The temerity of the landlady! Obviously doesn't know what a stylista the Z-star is.
But the true insidiousness of this couch is its name: The Melbourne. THE MELBOURNE??!! How dare Argos denigrate the fabulousness that is my hometown by naming such a fugly couch after her? A pox on your house, Argos!
Friday, March 23, 2007
Don't believe me? Well, tell me if you can find the couch in here amongst all that carpet. It's very Where's Wally? or Where's Waldo?, depending on which side of the Atlantic/Pacific you're on...
Thursday, March 22, 2007
That' s a whole lotta fugliness on offer in one lot.
Supposedly, it's French. Am thinking more "pretendy French, I wanna be Juliette Binoche" than actual French. I don't wish to cast aspersions on our gallic cousins. Am a big fan of their work in the Crème Brûlée realm and I spent a good portion of the previous weekend imbibing Kir Royales. Mmm... bubbles and cassis...
Sorry, got distracted there. Back to the fugly furniture.
What disturbs me most about this is that I know people who have similar furniture in their home and unfortunately theirs isn't up for sale on eBay, dangnammit! Please, hang on to one of the dinky little chairs in the bedroom to pile up clothes on that you can't be bothered putting away, but otherwise do purge your home of this Francophile shame. Merci beaucoup. À bientôt!
This is supposedly an "antique" Saba chair, according to the owner's listing on eBay.
Last time I checked (which was today, as I doubted myself) something needs to be 100 years old before it's considered an antique. I'm thinking vintage may even be a stretch for this orange smoothie, because even though I'm sure Dave and Mabel have probably fallen off the perch in the intervening years, I still reckon this couch is not much more than 20 years old.
Do you (sorry, probably only for Melbourne) kids remember Dave and Mabel? I used to nag my parents to take me to the Saba Furniture showroom so I could say g'day to said sulphur-crested Cockatoos. Never got taken there. The wilds of Dandenong were just that bit too far from the mean streets of West Preston.
Is this the couch on which Saddam and the South Park Satan shared their first magic moments? It is rather cartoonish in its execution (and I’m kinda hoping the person who designed it is awaiting said fate).
Why would you want this in your house? Why would you even make such a couch?
I just hope, nay pray, this was just a nasty joke that went wrong. I’d hate to think someone actually thought this was a good idea.
Monday, March 19, 2007
I love a club lounge. I've just been bidding on one on eBay for my new place. Was rather gorgeous and went for a reasonable price but would have had to collect it from Narre Warren, which would have caused me a whole world of pain. I didn't love it that much. So my search continues.
I know underneath this hideous yellow fabric is a tortured, gorgeous club lounge fighting to get out. I can hear its screams "please, find me some lovely lush chocolate velour and save me from a suicide in a tulip patch". And the tragedy is, you can tell this has been recently re-covered too. Oh the sad, unrealised opportunity. Just like Britney when she was with Justin - full of hope and promise. This fabric is the K-Fed of the upholstery world, it takes the shine away from a once beautiful thing. I need to go wash now.
Friday, March 16, 2007
See, the shape for this couch is ok - kinda retro. Not great, but ok. Am not crazy about the colour, but it's not violently hideous.
However, I need to talk about the pleats... What the fug is going on there? Why would you do that to a serviceable couch? Why?
And the added bonus is: it's pleather. Yep "genuine imitation leather," according to the eBay ad.
Oh, and check out the lining on the back:
Am thinking a "Made in China" label is kinda redundant.
Have you ever seen a shinier couch in the whole wide world?
It looks kinda like Arnie Shwarzen-ham-and-egg-n'burger did back in his Mr Universe days - all oil gloss over taught, rippling leather-like skin.
I'm concerned that if I attempted to sit on this couch I would actually slip right off it and do some serious damage to my ass. Nobody wants that. I'm no JLo but I do like my butt and I would like to keep it in its current non-smashed-up state.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
This sofa was ordered from Andrew Martin in Walton Street, London especially for a show flat as part of a property development project
It took 22 weeks to make and match the right cowhide from south Africa to the right leather that would give the requested look
It has never been used or sat on however it has a few marks on the leather from transport. With some shoe leather nourishing cream they will blend in
it measures 225 cm long, 97 cm deep and 81 cm tall.
The sofa was paid for £5,700 in 2004 and since we now have no use for it i am offering it at a bargain starting price. Collection is expected from London W2. If posting is required PLEASE do not ask me how much it will cost since i dont know. You can give the dimensions to a courrier company and they will quote you. I do not know the weight of it but you should not need it since courriers go by dimensional weight rather than actual weigh.
Good luck and happy bidding.
REDUCED TO SELL BY THIS WEEKEND!!!"
So, the owners of this couch are obviously aware of how ugly this thing is; they've started bidding at $2.95. Goes to show, if you set your expectations low you'll rarely be disappointed. Still, as there are no bids so far on this beauty, they may yet feel that sinking feeling.
I feel bad for those birds embroidered on there - is that not cruelty to animals? Should I call Pamela Anderson and her PETA mates? She may fall for it, given she didn't even realise her beloved Ugg boots are made from sheepskin.
I'm sure buying this couch seemed like a great idea at the time:
"I know, let's do the walls white and keep the floors bare, but we'll go for a really bright, bold statement couch. A real conversation starter..."
Sadly, for me, the only conversation I want to have about this couch is the one where we discuss where to burn it and perhaps something about environmental concerns from the resulting toxic fumes that are sure to result from said bonfire.
Wow, looks like a dog who's eaten a load of roses and is not feeling so well after a big night out threw up all over this couch.
These people paid $4000 for this delightful suite. They're asking a minimum bid of $1500 on eBay.
Well, I guess you get around 1 rose for every $1 you spend at that rate.
Just look at them in close-up, they're so prrrretty...
I think that Laura Ashley herself may baulk at this, though, and that's just not good because when you're a floral couch you want Laura Ashley in your corner.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
See, I've been trawling eBay looking for furniture for my new bachelorette pad. Am oh-so-chuffed to finally be on the property ladder and am hoping to furnish my very retro 1950s place with some original furniture.
But as I've been plundering the depths of eBay in search of a gem, I've seen some mighty ugly furniture.
Such as this fine specimen:
Good God, why would you want that in your lounge room? Why? How many cows gave their hides and lives for this number? It's kinda like a Mars Bar got melted and turned into a couch.
Anyways, this is an example of what's out there. There's much more to come. I do hope you will join me on my quest to find the most fugly couch in the world. Email me
at email@example.com with photos of fugly couches you find, tell me why you find them so fugly and I will add my own comments. Let the quest begin!