Bloody Brazilians

I've hinted before about the Brazilian love-gone-wrong saga. Let's pretend you bought me those Bulmers and now I'm all chatty...

In a nutshell met a Brazilian bloke in Portugal when I was there in Feb 2005. We chatted all night, made out, exhanged phone numbers, I thought that was it. No - he txtd me and kept going on about how he'd never met a girl like me before and hoped I would come back to Lagos soon. Given he looked like this:

And Lagos looks like this:

and RyanAir would fly me there for 20 quid, well, I went back for another week.

That week turned into a month. I left to do some more travelling with my old flatmate from Dublin, Swedish Rebecca, and meet up with my beautiful friend Gosia in Prague, but he wanted me to come back again and so proposed over the phone. After a week or so I said yes, moved back to Lagos that May and we lived together for a year. My folks came to visit, loved Marcio, and we applied for his visa for Australia and planned our wedding for August 2006. He went home to Brazil at Christmas, I went to visit friends in the UK as we couldn't afford for us both to fly to Brazil. Anyways, after a year of essentially being a housewife I was officially going doolally, and said I wanted to head home to Oz, get a job and set up house and plan our wedding. He agreed, and I left Portugal in April 2006. Found a wedding dress in London on the way home to Melbourne, bought it. THREE HOURS after I bought the dress and was feeling all happy and in love, I got a call from Marcio to say I probably shouldn't have just bought that wedding dress as he was no longer coming to Australia - he'd had a one night stand when he was home in Brazil and the girl had just shown up at his Mum's place claiming to be pregnant with his baby. Can you imagine how delighted I was? Went through a few months of hell going back and forth about reconciling but in the end he chickened out and went home to Brazil, where he's now living with the 19-year-old slapper he'd got off with and the baby that was born waaaay to early to be his! Fun tale, donchya think? One for the grandkids, for sure.

I'm now as over it as you can be with these things, permanent scars to the heart and all that. I am, however, grateful I found out about his inability to keep his dick in his pants before we got married and had the babies he was forever nagging me to make with him. I've picked up the pieces and am happily getting on with my life: great job, new place, amazing friends and life here in Oz. However, there is still residual resenment towards Brazil and one Brazilian in particular, hence me fugging this couch:

It's of Brazilian design and leather. And it's fugly.

And you didn't even have to cough up for those Bulmers!

Golden velvet

This poor couch just never had a chance, did it? The frame, the excessive padding, the colour. It's just all too much. Franco Cozzo, you've done it again!

Again with the rainbows

There's nothing much I love in this world as much as I love gelati. You have not lived until you have experienced the gelato artiginale created by the master Sergio Dondoli. Honestly, this man may possibly be God's representative on this earth. His gelato is that good. If ever I hear of you dear readers heading to San Gimignano in Tuscany and not eating his gelati, well, let's just say it will not be pretty. I will cry, most certainly, and there could be even worse consequences. As all the gelati Signor Dondoli has on offer is seasonal, you may not be able to get these exact combinations, but I highly recommend trying Peach with Vernaccia and the classics of Chocolate with Mint. His Pistachio is also superb.


Ok, sorry, for those of you who know me, you know I take my food very seriously, and the instant thoughts of gelato that this couch inspires in me made me go back to 2001 and a glorious few days spent in gorgeous San Gimignano. Check out this pic, don't you wanna go there?





I guess, in some respects, I should let this couch off on the basis it has inspired the recollection of some wonderful memories.

However, it's just too fugly to do that. But now I know I better pay Gelobar a visit soon.

Daybed delusions

First off, apologies. I know, long time, no couch. Real life getting in the way and all that. How people have the time to lead these "Second Lives" I don't know.

Anyways, as discussed before, not a fan of this crazy, excessive day bed business currently going on in Couchland. It's all going a bit crazy on that front, as evidenced by this couch.

What the fug? It's like an actual double bed being whacked out in your living room. I thought the whole point of a sofa bed was that the bed was hidden - saving you space. I don't know, maybe people now need giant, bed-sized couches to fill their hideous McMansions in the suburbs. It's either that or this is for a studio apartment and doubles as your actual bed. Have we got to the point where people either live in tiny shoeboxes or they live in a McMansion? Where has the happy medium gone in life? Can you tell I may or may not work for a government department that may or may not be involved in environment and/or planning issues? Sorry, heart on sleeve and all that... (grumpy today, bad news from a friend, promise to try and be nicer tomorrow).

Chinese Cozzo

It's not just the wogs who go mad for a bit of over-the-top furniture (and before you go thinking I am being racist, I'm not - check out the Aussie section of this Wikipedia entry for the meaning I am going for). Having quite a few friends from Chinese backgrounds I know a couple of them - mainly in Melbourne's eastern suburbs - whose parents would think this was the height of good taste.

It appears Franco Cozzo has some rivals over in "the Far East", as some crazy people in England still refer to China.

Only in America (or possibly South Africa)

I suddenly find myself with the desire to go and shoot something. I've no idea why...



Perhaps a bear, or a deer. No fair - I loved both Grizzly Adams and Bambi as a child and these people are just making a mockery of such venerable institutions!


And the gorgeous upside down bear coffee table just completes the room, don't you think?

Pass the Big Gulp

Rather unattractive in its natural state. Possibly not the fugliest couch ever, but certainly not something I want in my home. I haven't got time to plump 300 cushions a day - I have other fugly couches to seek in my quest.

But this one has its own inner beauty. Something I never thought I'd live to see.

Check it out:

No, your eyes do not deceive you, that is a flip down cup holder. And you thought it was cool when they put those into cars. Genius!

Golf, anyone?

The pattern on this is supposedly of a "European Golf Scene". God Bless America and many of her countrymen's obsession with Europe and the automatic sophistication that comes from something being associated with Europe. Don't get me wrong, Australia's definitely got some colonial love in that direction, but we don't go weak at the knees at a "British" accent the way our Septic Tank cousins do (I know I have readers in America and I love you, so don't be getting all offended now). Aussies are more likely to say "bloody Poms" on hearing an English accent than "Oh, how cute, you're British" as I have seen happen so many times. Hell, you Americans even reckon our hideous Australian accent is cute, and that's just wrong!

Anyways, back to the couch. Yes, it's off eBay USA (and there's a whole lot more good stuff to come in the near future, kids, so heads-up). And apparently this armchair and its three seater couch/sofa would be "suited for a den, game room or bonus room". Bonus room? I know y'all have got even more space out in the States than we do in our big brown (currently extra brown courtesy of drought) land. But are you giving away "bonus rooms" with houses now? Is that a special room where you put the bonus offers you pick up at the supermarket, the home of the "Buy one, get one free"? Seriously, I'd really like to know. Cheers.

Throw this

This is a throw. It's supposed to cover up an ugly couch! Poor darling, it's so confused. It's whole raison d'etre is non-existent. It's just like the girls who get kicked off of America's Next Top Model in the first episode. They think they're cute, but Miss Tyra just doesn't agree.

Unrelated to this throw, but still amusing, here's a link sent by my mate Andrew, which y'all may enjoy.

Brisbane blues

Gross, obviously, of course.

But I also love the description - barely every second word is spelled correctly. I know the couch is in Brisvegas, but hey, I've got family there. They're literate...

Today you are bidding on a 4 peice quatro swaide corner lounge with chaise that is less than 2 yrs old. Most commonly used as corner lounge but can actully be rearranged to suit your room or mood. (even acts as a comfy double bed for when vistiors come or your in the doghouse...)It has no visalbe rips or stains as it is scochgaurded. All but 2or 3 leg protecters are still in tact. Comes with the rug we bought to go with the lounge as a bonus. It is advisable to look at the lounge before bidding so you know exactly what you are bidding on. Bought $2600.
Pick up only from brisbane bayside.
When giving lounge quick clean, I did come across some minor marks that arnt noticable when cushions are in place.Because it is scothgaurded they might even come out. Also noticed that 1 seat has a slight dip in the middle. Other than that the lounge in in excellent used conditon. :-)

Bless. Someone's already bid $700 for this. No bloody accounting for taste in this country I call home.

PS Don't ya just love the caravan in the background? Noice... (I'm such a bitchy snob sometimes, I know)

Harry who?

So this is by Harry Segil - supposedly some hot LA furniture designer. To me, he's taken the style of a perfectly good Deco couch and just fugged it up.

Hardly surprising, though. Check out the man himself:

I do believe he's wearing jodhpurs. And pink socks. 'Nuf said, me thinks.

Lion Lovely

Oh, gosh, I know I've only been on this quest for a couple of months, but geez, I reckon it's gonna be a struggle to top this one. Check it out in closer detail:

And even closer, if you dare:

Perfect for the Leo in your life!

Hooley Dooley!

Holy Mother! Sheesh, there's just so much going on here, it's hard to know where to start. There's the whole modern "add on a chaise" bit, which I really don't get or like. The chrome feet - again, not a fan, just too early '90s for me. The sticky-uppy headrests, which cannot be comfortable. And then there's the (admittedly fab) retro material going on with the cushions. Look carefully, though people, as what you think are cushions on top of the headrests are the actual headrests in that retro print. It's just throwing a whole bunch of design elements together and creating a big fat mess. $1400 for this one, sucker.

More modern fugliness

Don't know what I dislike more about this couch. Is it the jacquard fabric? Is it the bizarre two-toned curly-wurly business going on with the arms? Or the scarily square poof/ottoman/footrest/whatever-they-call-it-in-your-country-dear-reader-thingamebob? Dunno. Do know that I don't like it, though.

The floorboards, however, are lovely. Quite similar to the ones in my new Bachelorette Pad, which is now officially mine! (Well, mine and the bank's, but please don't get all technical and take away from this shiny moment for me, ok? Muchas gracias.)

Take one cow pat...

This couch is just taking the piss. Actually, am convinced my mate Chris, who sent me this, is having a laugh. I reckon he just got bored one day and played with his Photoshop a bit too long. Because, seriously, what the fug is up with this couch?

Buttons galore

I get the theory behind the old Chesterfield. I don't love them, but I don't have a moral objection to them in the right context. You know - period home, yada yada.

This one, however, just seems to have too many buttons. I think it's the ones on the bottom of it that push it into uptight button land. I don't want an uptight couch, I want something comfortable that I can sink into and relax.

According to the bible that is Vanity Fair, when Jen and Brad split up (side note: will never forget a txt my friend Gosia sent me back in January 2005 "First the tsunami, now Brad and Jen... Will we ever smile again?"), Jen was happy about one thing. It wasn't the obvious, ie. that she no longer had to worry about giving birth to a child with the freakishly strong jaw any Jen/Brad offspring would have inevitably had. It was this: she was glad to finally have a comfy couch to sit/lie/nap on. Apparently, with Brad being the architecture buff he is, all the furniture in their house was all about the design and not a lot about the comfort.

After splitting up with my Brazilian fiancé last year under rather tumultuous circumstances for which you must buy me alcohol in order for me to reveal (believe me, the tale is worth the cost of a dozen pints of Bulmers), I was glad I no longer had to worry about him trying to reassure me that polyester and nylon were better to wear in summer than COTTON. He reckoned they were more breathable. Yeah, whatever...

Go with the red and gold

The amount of fugly couches still being produced is quite astounding, such as this red and gold number.

Just yesterday I was shopping for a bed with my mates Frank and Elaine - took them to the den of blandness that is Harvey Norman, aka Ikea without the Swedish meatballs. They were looking for a bed and you can do worse than Harvey Norman (but we did better at Forty Winks - my ability to find a bargain was once again affirmed, F&E were so impressed with the groundwork I'd done recently for my own bed purchase they're now hoping I may need to buy a car or computer in the next few weeks).

Anyways, was left rather speechless as I walked in the door and saw a rather hideous purple faux-suede number. Unfortunately no pics available. But it's quite shocking, really, that a place that should be selling middle-of-the road, inoffensive furniture would bother stocking such fugliness. And at a cost of about $3000. That's just shite.

Fugly futon fabric

Ok, I know I'm not breaking any ground here by including this futon couch on the blog. Am sure you've all seen these around. Hell, even I have one at the moment (hand-me-down from my sister). But I need to post this question:

WHY do they always come with these hideous fabrics? Seriously, why?

It's so bloody hard to find one of these that doesn't have some fugly print on it.

Here's another one:

My memory of textiles production from high school is kinda limited, but I'm quite sure that producing patterns is harder than just going the plain dye route. So, why bother with these fugly prints that people just end up having to cover up? It's one of the bext examples of an exercise in futility I can think of. Or perhaps there's a conspiracy theory here - the fabric printers also produce throws and other ways of disguising an ugly couch. That's a seriously cunning plan, if it's true.

Cowhide class

I don't know what I love more about this couch - is it the innate fugliness of the couch, or the fact it's out there on the lawn with an old taxi in the background?

It's like the owners wanted to give the cows that died to create this couch the chance to roam free again. A reincarnation, of sorts.

Chris, this one's for you!

My mate Chris has commented on this blog a couple of times when I have posted Baroque couches. He kept saying "paint it gold and sell it to the Arabs". Well, no need to paint it gold with this one - the job's already done for you.

No mention on eBay about this having come off the set of Sophia Coppola's Marie Antoinette or any other period piece. It's really got me curious about the place it will eventually call home. Can just imagine the fugliness on offer there.