Smelly scallops

This couch reminds me of a scallop - you know, with the roe attached. Love me a nice scallop, either battered and fried from the fish'n'chip shop or grilled and done asian style with some chilli and corriander and a splash of mirin, or even panfried with some butter and garlic. Like I said, love me a scallop.

That does not mean I want a scallop in my loungeroom, nor do I want this couch with its fugly arms and even fuglier head rests. There ain't a deep fryer in the world big enough to get rid of this nastiness.

Fugly, plain and simple

I think this one just speaks for itself, really...

Wagon Wheels on Fire

I knew American eBay wouldn't let me down. I had faith, and the good Lord provided.

Apparently the wheel is off a genuine bullock wagon. I can hardly contain my squeels of delight!

Lucy loves leopards

Basic black couch: ok.

A couple of leopard print cushions as an accent: a bit pimp daddy for my liking, but not truly revolting.

However, once you get past the two, maybe even three, leopard print cushions you start getting a little too South African Safari for my tastes. Especially when the owners offered to throw in a matching rug (sadly, they didn't put a picture of that on eBay).

Bringing the bus stop into your home

This is advertised as a couch. Not as a park bench, not as somewhere to sit while waiting for the tram, not even as applicable for a hospital or the like, none of these things.

I have a few basic criteria for a couch, and comfort is right up there. This does not look comfortable. This does not look like something I would fall asleep on while watching Family Guy, even though I really want to stay awake but it's just on so bloody late - damn you, Channel 7 - and I'm trying to walk home from work these days, so am pretty tired by about 10.30pm... (oops, sorry, went off on one there).

Back to the couch. It seems there are matching armchairs:




Am all for this sort of furniture in an airport. Have slept on similar couches at Charles de Gaulle and Edinburgh. Slept on worse at Heathrow. But please, please, don't suggest this belongs in someone's home, especially not mine.

Bundy bogans rejoice!

It's PVC! It's inflatable! It's gorgeous! It's starting at only $200! Surely your Bundy and Coke has got to taste better when sitting on/sticking to this blow-up number.

The Bobby Flynn couch

Now, just because this couch makes me want to go out and get some Top Deck chocolate, doesn't make it right. And I never thought I would say that about something that reminds me of chocolate, but there you go.

The very best thing about this couch, though, is the name of the company that sells it. Fatmong. Yep, can you believe it? FATMONG. There aren't enough Depends in the world to keep me dry when laughing at that name. It's just so bloody wrong.

Remember when Kyle Sandilands called Bobby Flynn a mong on Australian Idol last year? Pure class. And this couch is named the Bobby Flynn in his honour (ok, maybe not on the Fatmong website, but it is here at Most Fugly Couch, and that's where it counts).

How dare you cast aspersions on my fair city?!

First of all, apologies in advance, Fugly Couchers. Couldn't manage to "borrow" the photo for this couch from the Argos website, so have had to copy the link for you instead:

http://www.argos.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Search?storeId=10001&catalogId=10651&langId=-1&searchTerms=6402970&go.x=9&go.y=10

My good mate Zoe in London put me on to this fugly blue number (also available in brown, but that still doesn't make it right). Apparently the landlady at her new flat is suggesting this should be what Zoe sits on while she belts out her karaoke numbers on Playstation Singstar and partakes in strong cider (good woman, she is). The temerity of the landlady! Obviously doesn't know what a stylista the Z-star is.

But the true insidiousness of this couch is its name: The Melbourne. THE MELBOURNE??!! How dare Argos denigrate the fabulousness that is my hometown by naming such a fugly couch after her? A pox on your house, Argos!

Karma Chameleon couch

Did you know that some fugly couches have chameleon abilities?

It's true.

Don't believe me? Well, tell me if you can find the couch in here amongst all that carpet. It's very Where's Wally? or Where's Waldo?, depending on which side of the Atlantic/Pacific you're on...

This one's too hard, and this one's too soft...

Can someone please explain this to me? Am seriously confused by this couch. Was it designed for Mama, Papa and Baby bear? Why else the three weird and seriously fugly head rests...

Added bonus. A couple of matching arm, or should that be head, chairs:

Maybe this is all part of some weird body part collection. I hate to think what could be next.

Colour my world

In the oh-so-brief amount of time I've been trawling eBay for this blog, there's a key word that I've very quickly learnt can mean fugly couch gold. That word? Custom, of course.

You're setting yourself up for re-sale failure when you go the custom route, obviously. Having identified that your tastes are so specific that you need to get your couch made just for you will pretty much mean the market for people wanting something similar is not going to be that broad.

And then you end up with something like this setting...

There's no mention in the ad about this having come off the set of a failed children's television show, and that's the only place I can think of that this would be at home.

You could see a presenter sitting on this chair and being all bubbly and bright.

As for me, it kinda just gives me a headache. And that's coming from a girl whose dream job would be hosting Sesame Street. No jokes, that's a fact. I even went to my brother's girlfriend's 21st "Dream Job" theme party dressed as a Sesame Street host. Mr Snuffleupagus and I are good mates.

Ooh la la

That' s a whole lotta fugliness on offer in one lot.

Supposedly, it's French. Am thinking more "pretendy French, I wanna be Juliette Binoche" than actual French. I don't wish to cast aspersions on our gallic cousins. Am a big fan of their work in the Crème Brûlée realm and I spent a good portion of the previous weekend imbibing Kir Royales. Mmm... bubbles and cassis...

Sorry, got distracted there. Back to the fugly furniture.

What disturbs me most about this is that I know people who have similar furniture in their home and unfortunately theirs isn't up for sale on eBay, dangnammit! Please, hang on to one of the dinky little chairs in the bedroom to pile up clothes on that you can't be bothered putting away, but otherwise do purge your home of this Francophile shame. Merci beaucoup. À bientôt!

Antique? Me thinks not.

This is supposedly an "antique" Saba chair, according to the owner's listing on eBay.

Last time I checked (which was today, as I doubted myself) something needs to be 100 years old before it's considered an antique. I'm thinking vintage may even be a stretch for this orange smoothie, because even though I'm sure Dave and Mabel have probably fallen off the perch in the intervening years, I still reckon this couch is not much more than 20 years old.

Do you (sorry, probably only for Melbourne) kids remember Dave and Mabel? I used to nag my parents to take me to the Saba Furniture showroom so I could say g'day to said sulphur-crested Cockatoos. Never got taken there. The wilds of Dandenong were just that bit too far from the mean streets of West Preston.

Burn, baby, burn, this couch belongs in an inferno

Goodness, gracious, great couches of fire – what the hell is going on here? (Sidenote- do you like my highly appropriate use of the word hell there? Nice, eh?)

Is this the couch on which Saddam and the South Park Satan shared their first magic moments? It is rather cartoonish in its execution (and I’m kinda hoping the person who designed it is awaiting said fate).

Why would you want this in your house? Why would you even make such a couch?

I just hope, nay pray, this was just a nasty joke that went wrong. I’d hate to think someone actually thought this was a good idea.

When bad fabric happens to good couches

I love a club lounge. I've just been bidding on one on eBay for my new place. Was rather gorgeous and went for a reasonable price but would have had to collect it from Narre Warren, which would have caused me a whole world of pain. I didn't love it that much. So my search continues.

I know underneath this hideous yellow fabric is a tortured, gorgeous club lounge fighting to get out. I can hear its screams "please, find me some lovely lush chocolate velour and save me from a suicide in a tulip patch". And the tragedy is, you can tell this has been recently re-covered too. Oh the sad, unrealised opportunity. Just like Britney when she was with Justin - full of hope and promise. This fabric is the K-Fed of the upholstery world, it takes the shine away from a once beautiful thing. I need to go wash now.

When Italian design goes wrong...

I can just see someone in Melbourne's relatively-new Docklands thinking this is the dog's bollocks.
Yet all I can think about is the poor zebras sacrificed for this monochrome monstrosity.

Bringing up Baby (Bogan style)

Now this couch is what is wrong with Australia. It's one of those little kiddie flip-out-into-a-bed couches. I had one of them when I was a kid. Loved it. I think it was a Strawberry Shortcake one and it made sleep-overs at Nana and Pa's even more fun.

But this one's got "Holden Racing Team" emblazoned across it. The child who sleeps in this bed has no hope but to grow up a bogan. That's because his Mum's a bogan and his Dad's a bogan - gotta be. And we all know that when you've got two dominant bogan genes, it takes a hell of a lot of willpower, exposure to Vogue (when it doesn't have eejits such as Sienna Miller on the cover) and other fahionable reference points to overcome a Double Bogan Gene. The DBG baby must never taste Bundaberg Rum, Jim Beam, Cougar (or any bourbon other than Maker's Mark) or else he will instantly sprout a mullet, find his legs wrapped in acid-wash skinny jeans and a Winnie Blue will be permanently hanging out of his mouth. Same goes for his sister.

Pleather pleats

See, the shape for this couch is ok - kinda retro. Not great, but ok. Am not crazy about the colour, but it's not violently hideous.

However, I need to talk about the pleats... What the fug is going on there? Why would you do that to a serviceable couch? Why?

And the added bonus is: it's pleather. Yep "genuine imitation leather," according to the eBay ad.

Oh, and check out the lining on the back:


Am thinking a "Made in China" label is kinda redundant.

Get your hands off me!

Please God, no.

Really, what made you allow someone to take this couch from being a figment of their seriously fugged-up imagination and turn it into a reality? In purple.

Have a close look at it. It seems to have more than the requisite four fingers and a thumb per hand. But it doesn't. It's this weird phenomen I once read Matt Groening talking about. Apparently the reason The Simpsons only have three fingers and a thumb is because when you draw an anatomically correct hand it looks all fugged up and nasty. It's true: draw one yourself, or just pay attention to the odd cartoon that does have the right number of fingers on a human hand. It ends up looking like a bunch of sausages hanging off a plate.

This couch gets worse: seems like it bred and now we've got a baby to go with it...

Please, Lord, make it stop! I know the Pope is against interventionist contraception, but is having more couches like this in the world really going to help anybody?

Shiny, happy couches...

Have you ever seen a shinier couch in the whole wide world?

It looks kinda like Arnie Shwarzen-ham-and-egg-n'burger did back in his Mr Universe days - all oil gloss over taught, rippling leather-like skin.

I'm concerned that if I attempted to sit on this couch I would actually slip right off it and do some serious damage to my ass. Nobody wants that. I'm no JLo but I do like my butt and I would like to keep it in its current non-smashed-up state.

Keep them doggies rollin', Rawhide...

What a bloody beauty! This is just pure gorgeousness.

One of my dear friends once had the misfortune to be living with a guy who would have thought this was the height of sophistication. His name was Lance Pitt and I am happy to say he has faced and been convicted of criminal charges. My friend, on the other hand, finally left the stupid fugger and is now married to a gorgeous husband (who would sooner shoot himself than own this piece of fugliness). She's tried her hardest to erase the memory of her time spent with the pathetic Walter Mitty-style criminal. The lesson there, my friends, is if you like this couch, you possibly have criminal tendencies.

Now, I have to say I was mightily disappointed with what eBay UK had on offer, until I struck this bit of fabulousness. It seemed the British either kept their hideous couches hidden behind closed doors in their irrepressible repressiveness, or they at least had the decency to try and get rid of them via the charity shop, not actually sell them.

I think the description for this item (which could be yours for only £3,850), says more than I could ever hope to:

"Andrew Martin Special Order Sofa - UNIQUE! only one ever made!
This sofa was ordered from Andrew Martin in Walton Street, London especially for a show flat as part of a property development project
It took 22 weeks to make and match the right cowhide from south Africa to the right leather that would give the requested look
It has never been used or sat on however it has a few marks on the leather from transport. With some shoe leather nourishing cream they will blend in
it measures 225 cm long, 97 cm deep and 81 cm tall.
The sofa was paid for £5,700 in 2004 and since we now have no use for it i am offering it at a bargain starting price. Collection is expected from London W2. If posting is required PLEASE do not ask me how much it will cost since i dont know. You can give the dimensions to a courrier company and they will quote you. I do not know the weight of it but you should not need it since courriers go by dimensional weight rather than actual weigh.
Good luck and happy bidding.
REDUCED TO SELL BY THIS WEEKEND!!!"

(a few sics in there)

The eternal optimism of the eBay seller will never cease to amaze me. No doubt, some cashed-up chav will find a good spot for it in his/her Essex pad. Jade Goody, this one's for you...

RIP, Gianni, because there's no rest to be had on this baby

Oh... My... God...

Never, ever, ever, have I seen a better example of the expression "money cannot buy good taste". Opening bid: $16,000, or Buy It Now for only $18,500. I've never even owned a car worth that much. In fact, I think adding up the three cars I have owned, I'm still not even close to that.

When I was on Temptation, one of the prizes was a Versace bed, coming in at about $25,000RRP, so I know this thing legitimately would retail for the $20,770 the seller claims. My dear mate Gosia even got some pics of said bed in its garish glory.

Have another look at the gorgeousness that is this couch:

And another:

And the weird arm rest thing:

Do you use that as a coffee table? Presumably you have the Versace cups and saucers, or else, what's the point? It's not like your $2 Ikea mug would be able to cope with all that gaudiness.

The only thing that stops me from thinking Elton John is getting rid of this is the knowledge that this little beauty is for sale in my own fair city of Melbourne. In South Yarra, of course.

This couch is making a pretty strong case for claiming to be front runner in the quest to find the world's most fugly couch. It's saying all the right things, paying all the right people the right bribes. But I think that may be just just too easy - it's Versace afterall, it's a gimme. Surely, however, it should get one of those "Lifetime Achievement Awards" like they give out at the Oscars. Fair play, Gianni Versace. Even in death, we're still in awe of your extravagance.

If you love them, you'll set them free...

So, the owners of this couch are obviously aware of how ugly this thing is; they've started bidding at $2.95. Goes to show, if you set your expectations low you'll rarely be disappointed. Still, as there are no bids so far on this beauty, they may yet feel that sinking feeling.

I feel bad for those birds embroidered on there - is that not cruelty to animals? Should I call Pamela Anderson and her PETA mates? She may fall for it, given she didn't even realise her beloved Ugg boots are made from sheepskin.

Orange delight

I'm sure buying this couch seemed like a great idea at the time:
"I know, let's do the walls white and keep the floors bare, but we'll go for a really bright, bold statement couch. A real conversation starter..."
Sadly, for me, the only conversation I want to have about this couch is the one where we discuss where to burn it and perhaps something about environmental concerns from the resulting toxic fumes that are sure to result from said bonfire.

Ensconced in velvet...

This glorious burgundy specimen is looking for a new home. Can you help?

Its owners insist it's been in "the good room" for five years. On average, they use the good room twice a year, they reckon, so calculate it has only been sat on 10 times in its lifetime. Wow. They reckon it retails for $8500, but they've very generously opened the bidding at $3000, with a $5000 Buy It Now option.

So, on their estimation, there's been $350 worth of loss every time someone has sat their ass on this couch. Maybe JLo was a regular visitor.

The owners also claim it is "worth a furtune". A furtune? Is there fur inside the cushions? Does it sing songs by the band Fur? Can you trade fur to buy the couch?

Its velvet nature reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George talks of his dream to be permanently "ensconced in velvet". He gets a velvet tracksuit and eventually finds a woman who shares his dream. It's a beautiful thing. Personally, I used to dream of being able to have the water bubblers at school dispense chocolate milk and Fanta (not at the same time, that would be wrong, obviously, though it would be kinda Jaffa-like). My more recent dream is to be a judge on Iron Chef. That, my friends, would rock my world.

Sometimes life is a couch of roses...

Wow, looks like a dog who's eaten a load of roses and is not feeling so well after a big night out threw up all over this couch.

These people paid $4000 for this delightful suite. They're asking a minimum bid of $1500 on eBay.

Well, I guess you get around 1 rose for every $1 you spend at that rate.

Just look at them in close-up, they're so prrrretty...




I think that Laura Ashley herself may baulk at this, though, and that's just not good because when you're a floral couch you want Laura Ashley in your corner.

Ghetto Versace (is there any other kind?)

I reckon this is Versace for the ghetto.

The seller says they bought this in LA and are all "Oh, it's totally Hollywood chic". Yeah, whatever.

Look at those tassles in close-up:

And check out the chaise longue that comes with it.

Wrong. A whole world of it.

The quest begins...

So, welcome to my blog. This is going to be about my quest to find the fugliest couch in the world. The quest dawned on me last night.
See, I've been trawling eBay looking for furniture for my new bachelorette pad. Am oh-so-chuffed to finally be on the property ladder and am hoping to furnish my very retro 1950s place with some original furniture.
But as I've been plundering the depths of eBay in search of a gem, I've seen some mighty ugly furniture.
Such as this fine specimen:


Good God, why would you want that in your lounge room? Why? How many cows gave their hides and lives for this number? It's kinda like a Mars Bar got melted and turned into a couch.

Anyways, this is an example of what's out there. There's much more to come. I do hope you will join me on my quest to find the most fugly couch in the world. Email me
at fugly.couch@gmail.com with photos of fugly couches you find, tell me why you find them so fugly and I will add my own comments. Let the quest begin!