the quest for the world's most fugly couch

Nieman Marcus, what have you done?

2007-12-07T18:20:00.000+11:00

It's been an awfully long time since I blogged. I've probably lost all my loyal readers, but that's only fair as I have hardly earnt their loyalty of late.
But with couches like this one still out in the world, clearly some more blogging needs to be done!
This is supposedly from Neiman Marcus, an uber posh department store in the States. I've been there, they normally sell quite nice stuff. This definitely does not fit that category. Not cool.

Craig's List

2007-08-23T15:34:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, I don't even have to do any work.

This came up under the headline "Fugly Couch" on Craig's List. Here's what the seller had to say:

fugly couch
You've been warned! This couch will almost make your eyes bleed. It's an orange striped couch with squishy cushions and it's in desperate need of a new living room, basement, garage or curb. It's not half bad, just unloved. The naked cushions do have covers (see second pic - they're hiding behind the futon), as they were recently laundered and nobody had the incentive to put them back on. Great for parties, especially if you're too drunk to notice how ugly it is. On the bright side, it hides stains pretty well.

At least they're not deluded, like the many sad people who've been featured here in the past.
I think my parents said the same thing about their choice of carpet for our home - "it''ll hide the stains well". With three kids, that was their priority. Needless to say, the carpet would probably end up on a Fugly Carpet blog. Thankfully most of it has gone since Dad got the carpet ripped up and the floorboards polished. Brown florals, mmm...

PB and J - the play

2007-08-07T12:41:00.000+10:00

Ok, it's not a couch. It has nothing to do with couches. Maybe there's a couch in the play? Regardless, this is a shameless promotion for my mate Tara's play, PB and J, which begins this weekend at the New York Fringe Festival. That's Tara in the middle of the front row there.

Tara is, in a word, AMAZING. She and I met in Ireland back in 2002. We've both experienced the delights of working for the Korean Embassy in Dublin. And she is a super bloody talented playwright. This girl is still under 30 -and making me sick - with her incredible creativity, drive and integrity.

I know a few of you lovely Fugly Couch readers are in or around NYC. I hope you get the chance to see PB and J or can at least spread the word.

Break a leg, Tara!

And I thought I was high maintenance

2007-08-02T12:38:00.000+10:00

My friend Luke sent me this couch. Does anyone have any idea of the story behind it? Luke also suggested I should have James Brown's "Get up offa that thing" as the theme for the blog. I've tried attaching it but have no idea if it is possible to put sound on here. I think that may be more of a My Space thing, and frankly I just can't be bothered.

Anyways, in doing a search to try and find out about the grass couch, I stumbled across this, and I think it is bloody genius:

How cool would this be in your backyard? Apparently you grow the couch over this frame:

Some people, well, they have truly thought of everything!

Be a bit of a bitch to mow, though.

Rugby rocks

2007-07-27T14:35:00.000+10:00

My mates know how much I love the rugby. I looked forward to going to the Bledisloe Cup at the MCG for months. And I have a relatively extensive rugby shirt collection from when I worked at Guinness in Dublin. My leaving present was a Dublin rugby jersey and I also got a 6 Nations Guinness jersey too. It's cute - it's six pints all lined up with the symbols of all the nations in the head of the beer.
Yet, as much as I love rugby, this supposedly "rugby" fabric couch does nothing for me. A striped jersey is one thing, they're comfortable and warm, but applying this to your couch really just doesn't work for me.

Lotsa love

2007-07-25T18:18:00.000+10:00

This couch is being marketed as a "love seat" Love seat, huh? Right, what kind of love are we talking about here? The kind of love that actually involves hate? Passive aggressive love? The love of really ugly items for your home? Whatever love it involves, it's not the sort of love I want to share, thanks. If being in love means owning this couch, I'll stick to being a Bridget Jones singleton.

Mega discomfort

2007-07-19T16:08:00.000+10:00

Have you ever seen a less comfortable looking couch? Seriously? I thought the bus stop couch was bad. but am pretty sure that that one may have been designed with the semi-industrial market in mind.
This one, however, is meant for your home. Give me my gorgeous green velvet number any day. (Speaking of, promise to post a pic of my couch soon).

Santa Fe Gold

2007-07-17T09:45:00.000+10:00

I get that there was a time when this kind of fabric was in. It was the late '80s and early '90s. They called it "Santa Fe style" over here in Oz, no idea what it was called outside of here.

Obviously it was a fashion best left in the past. What gets me about this couch is it's only four years old! Yep, someone thought this looked good back in 2003. Oh, the horror...

If you're hungover, look away

2007-07-12T13:34:00.000+10:00

I truly believe vomit would be induced looking at this if feeling at all seedy. I love the colour green, it's my clear favourite, but this just is not even worthy of being called green. Yuck.

Special room

2007-07-12T12:43:00.000+10:00

The person who's selling this is trying to pretend they've moved and this no longer fits their decor. As much as I would LOVE to believe this is the true setting for this lounge suite, I've gotta say it seems a lot more likely to be a staged room. Especially since they're offering free shipping - because normal people do that all the time.

But how fabulous would it be to visit someone's house and find this whole set-up? Especially with the lamps, they are pretty bloody amazing. Of course, they wouldn't be friends of yours, because you couldn't possibly be friends with someone who had this taste, but it would be great if they were a family friend or something. $4000 will get this "French Provincial" fugliness in your home.

Normal fugly transmission resumes

2007-07-11T12:34:00.000+10:00

Well, after the diversion with the meme, it's back to the couches.

This one looks like it's come off the set of The Golden Girls. Apparently it's got that "Hawaii feeling that many of us aspire to". Guess I'm just not that aspirational...

The tag stops here...

2007-07-09T12:14:00.000+10:00

My mate Chris tagged me to do a meme. Here are the rules:

We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

Well, me being me, I'm not going to burden anyone else with this tagging business. But I've done my bit and written eight random facts about myself. Hope you don't get too bored reading them. Please feel free to post random facts about yourself in the comments section.

1) I’m a chocoholic – I love almost ALL forms of chocolate – dark, milk, white – I can even come at compound chocolate in a desperate situation, and kinda crave the stuff around Easter when so many cheap eggs are made of the compound stuff. Valrhona chocolate is my favourite brand, but I will stoop to the level of Lindt when necessary ;-) I also have become hooked on Koko Black, since my return to Melbourne, and am a fan of the work of the Belgians in the chocolate world. When I started working at Harvey Nichols in London I was told my duties would be these (based on some very correct assumptions made about myself by my rather hideous boss Steve, who took being compared to David Brent as a compliment and even danced a bad dance like him at the HN Christmas party):

· I was to work on the Valrhona chocolate counter, selling amazing chocolates that went for the bargain price of 40quid per kilo. I was told I could eat the chocolates, and was encouraged to do so in order to recommend flavours etc. I insisted they clarify exactly how many chocolates per day would be acceptable to eat, given they cost at least 50p each. We agreed on four a day, and four high quality chocolates sated my chocolate cravings in a way that it takes a half block of Cadbury’s to do so. FYI, the Valrhona dark chocolate with pear ganache was my definite favourite.

· I was to sell Wusthof knives. These are my favourite knives in the world. I have quite a few (less than I used to thanks to a certain Brazilian failing to send some home from Portugal, which in some ways hurt me more than his infidelity). The Germans know what they’re doing in the knife department, and I just love them in their fully-forged glory. Good cookware is to me what porn is to others – I can drool over a saucepan (like my gorgeous Le Creuset). Going into the cookware section of a high end department store gets my heart racing in a very special way.

· Based on this cookware-induced excitement, I also got to be in charge of selling Alessi gear, which I also love (and only own one piece of due to the prohibitive expense). I one day hope to own a set of the gorgeous Big Love ice-cream bowls with their matching heart-shaped spoons.

Still on the food thing (yes, I am borderline obsessive about it), I am a bloody good cook – it’s one thing I know for sure about myself – and I used to host a cooking show on Channel 31 called The Generic Gourmet. I was only 19 at the time, and we filmed it in my dodgy student kitchen in Fitzroy. At the time, TV chefs were all still filming in studio kitchens, so I was years ahead of Jamie Oliver and all the rest. I got fan mail and my minestrone episode was the most popular and frequently repeated for more than a year or so, until Channel 31 started to get some decent programming and could stop running little old me.

And I love Milo. Used to have to get friends to bring it back from Australia for me when I lived in Europe for five years.

(Gosh, I better try and make the rest of these things short or you’ll be here all day reading!)

2) I love my friends. I treat many of them like family. I love helping them wherever and whenever I can. I especially love expressing my love for them through cooking. (See above for food/cooking obsessions). I put a lot of time and effort into my friendships and can sometimes end up disappointed when that effort isn’t reciprocated. But that’s the risk you take when you emotionally invest in other people and there’s no way I can change that aspect of my personality – it’s a key to who I am, ie a generous and loving person. I do, however, need to get better at both adjusting my expectations and learning to stop being too bloody nice to some people who don’t really deserve my friendship. I also need to learn to stop expecting so much from myself.

3) I am the classic eldest child. I’m the one who worries about meeting my parents’ expectations and making them happy, even through periods of my life when they weren’t making me very happy. I can’t help but feel I let them down by almost getting married last year and almost giving them the grandchildren they so desperately desire, but then breaking up with my fiancé and taking that away from them. But then again, I think it is unfair to expect your children to marry and provide you with grandchildren – as a parent, it’s you choice to procreate, you should not expect your children to do the same – hope maybe, but not expect that of them.

4) I’m a serial long-term relationship girl. I don’t do casual things well – I can do the dating thing for only a few dates, then I know whether I have feelings for the bloke or if I have to ditch them. It’s just who I am – a boots and all kind of gal. I need a strong man who is not intimidated by me being strong too, who can let me have my way when it’s important to me but pull me up when I need to be. When I was with my ex-fiancé, we really struggled because he was Brazilian and used to being a macho man and I’m a strong, ballsy Aussie chick. He was used to getting to be the man and having his way, I want nothing short of 50/50 equality (I’ve been the dominant person in a previous relationship and I didn’t like that either and ended it. I don’t want to be the boss, I want to be someone’s partner).

5) I love shoes. I have a real problem with them, or a problem with buying lots of them, to be more specific. I have at least 60 pairs, probably more, I don't count them often. I just can’t help myself with shoes. But I am disciplined and only very rarely let myself spend more than $50 on a pair, as I can invariably get cute shoes on sale for much less than that, often around the $20 mark. Exceptions being boots and very comfortable leather walking shoes.
I’m a brilliant shopper, if I do say so myself. I have NEVER met anyone who can hunt down a bargain better than me. It’s a gift, I’ve tried to teach it, but have only been moderately successful on that front.

6) I miss my grandparents so much. I totally adored my grandmother and grandfather on my Mum’s side. I spent a few periods of my life living with them when my sister had operations when I was young. I’m very like my Nana – multi-talented, good with money, smart, opinionated (I’m not full of myself, but am aware of my gifts – I don’t believe in false modesty. Don’t fret about my ego – my friends will tell you I’m very hard on myself too). My Nana died when I was 18 – she had a massive heart attack. Pa called to say she had collapsed. I jumped in the car and drove over there while my sister called an ambulance. I beat the ambulance, and gave Nana CPR for about five minutes until the ambos got there. She was still so warm, I thought I could bring her back. But the damage to her heart was too severe. She almost died as she’d wished. She always said she wanted to go in her sleep – a massive heart attack where she barely knew what hit her was the next best thing, really. Pa was lost without her – Nana was his whole world. I hope there’s a heaven and they’re reunited up there, with Pa still bringing Nana breakfast in bed. I’d love to climb into bed with Nana again and have Pa bring me breakfast – a hot Milo and quincey jam on toast (my standard order – I was about 10 before I found out that Nana’s quince jam was not really named quincey. I guess they thought it was cute and never corrected me).

7) I’m legally blind in my right eye. I can detect movement, and can see blurred blocks of colour, but that’s about it. Meant my Top Gun fantasies were shot down just like Maverick and Goose were in the firefight with the Migs.

8) I’m good with languages. My parents always tried to push me on them when I was younger, recognising my gift, but I wouldn’t give in. Have never been one for sitting down and studying vocabulary, prefer to learn in a more hands-on way. Took me about six months of living in Portugal to reach a decent conversation level, and was relatively fluent by the time I left after a year in Lagos. I make the effort to meet up with Portuguese speakers here in Melbourne, which is not always easy. My Portuguese has pretty much overwritten my once relatively fluent Italian. I can still understand Italian without any problems, but when I go to speak it, it comes out in Portuguese. Didn’t affect my French, though. Weird.

So there you go, eight random facts about me. Fair play to anyone who's made it down here - true dedication, I like it!

The circle of fug

2007-07-05T11:51:00.000+10:00

What have we got here?
Baroque? Check.
Contrasting fabrics? Check.
Gilding? Check.
Wonky feet that don't look like they'd support anything above the weight of a pre-(still-to-be-confirmed-at-press-time)-pregnancy Nicole Ritchie? Check.

But look closer... Do you get the sense there's something else going on here? There is.

Check it out:

Yep, it's round! Can you imagine the neck cricks you'd get trying to hold a conversation on this couch?

I know, it's meant for a hotel lobby, but it's not there now. Instead, you can plonk this in the middle of your lounge room for something in the order of $3000.

The worst house on the best street?

2007-07-03T14:09:00.000+10:00

Have I got one for you today, kids. Check this out. I can't just fug the couch, it's going to have to be the whole house...

And the dining room:

Kinda makes the bedroom look understated and modern, in comparison...

I have got to make time to check out this place when it is open for inspection. It's wogtastic fugly gold!

Lovely lady lumps

2007-07-03T10:53:00.000+10:00

This couch is brand new, yet it already looks lumpy. Can you imagine what it's going to look like once you've had a few all-night DVD sessions on it? Got your mates around for a few bevvies and had them end up crashing over (which seems to be happening a lot in my life at the moment)? It ain't gonna be pretty.
Wrong, wrong, wrong...

Hypnotic couches

2007-07-03T10:50:00.000+10:00

Don't know what it is about this couch, but I'm suddenly feeling sleepy........ very sleeeeeeepy.....

A hunk a hunk of fugly chair

2007-06-28T18:02:00.000+10:00

Oh dear. Dear, dear...

I guess diehard Elvis fans will think it's sacreligious of me to fug this chair (it's not strictly a couch, is it?) Could do the obligatory joke about sitting on Elvis's face, but that would be in poor taste, even for me.

$1500 to love this couch tenderly. Me and this chair can't go on together, with suspicious minds. A little less conversation, a little more action is needed. Viva, Las Vegas.

That's a whole lotta fugly

2007-06-26T18:06:00.000+10:00

It's fugly, it's got no idea what it's trying to be, it's just wrong.

But what really makes this one stand out is the price. $14,000. If this couch is stuffed with $100 bills, I get it. If not: WHAT THE FUG?

Another reason not to like Canberra

2007-06-21T18:06:00.000+10:00

I love it when readers send me a couch - it's fab to think you're out there helping in my quest.

Melina spotted this when she was in Canberra last weekend. As far as I'm concerned, it's just one more reason to dislike the place (even though my mate Jules lives there and I miss her heaps).

Melina had this to say:

Not sure if this has been received before but I saw it in Canberra over the Queen's birthday weekend. It was part of a collection that was on display behind a black velvet rope- as if it was waiting in line to get into a nightclub. Anyhoot, thought you might be interested in seeing this- keep up the great work!

Thanks for the compliment, a girl can always do with an ego boost!

Gotta say, I'm kinda concerned about the couch behind this one too. Fugly in its own right, me thinks. Glad they've got the fugly couches all penned in there, lest they escape to fug up your lounge room.

Kidney pain

2007-06-20T19:49:00.000+10:00

I've blogged before about the delightful descriptions you sometimes get on eBay, complete with a multitude of spelling errors.

Check this description out:

The Funky Couch
This was a piece that i was commitioned to produce for a client.
Due to the clients personal problems that sale never finalised.
SO NOW
I'm offering it to the world.
This was designed for story reading with the kids ( 1 adult 2 kids )
or relaxing with the partner.
Made from the 1100mm wide shell of a burnt out River Redgum stump from North Western Australia
Stripped back on the inside and finely sanded so the natural timber was bought to life and the coated in Acylic Lacquer.
The back is the natural exterior showing all the tree's features and texture again coated in Acrylic Lacquer
Comments recieved to me from friends suggest the inside of it looks like a pollished turtle shell.
The Upholstery is Professionally covered in Warrick Macro-suede velvet
The dimensions are overall Length 1150mm Width 800mm Hieght 870mm
Cushion Depth Middle 600mm Ends 450mm (Kidney Shaped)
This magnificant piece would suit any enviroment it was placed into.
I will make a custom made packing box as part of the sale price and am prepared to send oversea's.
Delivery and Frieght costs depends on were you are located
THIS IS FUNCTIONAL ART

You heard 'em - Functional Art! You know the old saying "I don't know much about art, but I know what I like"? Well, I don't like.

And how much for this crap? $7500 - I wish I was joking.

Smoking Skeletons

2007-06-19T19:55:00.001+10:00

Ok, it's not an actual couch. But it came up in my couch quest on eBay and I couldn't resist.

Yep, that's a skeleton down there, smoking away...

See, this is what happens when you can't quit!

Three people have bid on this. No accounting for taste, especially in a country full of bogans.

Bad Eames

2007-06-19T19:10:00.000+10:00

Apologies, fugly couchers - I went away for a week, to get some R&R on a vineyard near Daylesford. But I forgot to let you know. How remiss of me!

The quest shall resume...

On eBay at the moment, it's all about the Eames era. Not a problem by me, quite like it myself. Got a few pieces including my gorgeous dining table and chairs, which I'm just a bit in love with.

This is an example of Eames gone wrong. The lovely teak structure is still there, granted, but the leather... I know it's old and weather-beaten, but I don't think I would have loved this couch when it was in peak condition. It kind of looks like a huge leather cushion just got dumped on it. Not good.

Deco decadance

2007-06-06T17:38:00.000+10:00

I generally love, love, love me some Art Deco furniture. Have got some in my home and consider myself a Deco fan.

Now, while this couch is not horribly fugly, I do think it's pretty bloody fugly on what is the normally gorgeous Deco scale. It doesn't look comfortable and I really don't understand the arm going around the back there - is that so you can stash your unmentionables from your Mum when she walks in the room? It's not exactly easy access and could lead to a crook neck.

Fugly, or not fugly? That is the question.

2007-06-05T17:22:00.000+10:00

You're about to get a little more insight into my taste in couches here. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I kinda love this couch. It's the right kind of fugly, if there's such a thing. It looks like something that would have been in the Brady Bunch's house, and Lord knows that's my kinda style. Love me some classic mid-Century design.

Displaying this set out on the lawn is really doing it a disservice. As the Black Eyed Peas once asked, with a little help from JT, Where is the love?

Roll out the barrel

2007-06-04T19:42:00.000+10:00

Your eyes don't deceive you - those skinny toothpick legs don't belong to Nicole Ritchie - they're tacked on to the bottom of some barrels.

Check it out from behind:

That's pretty bloody special. Forget about barrels for your potplants, bring 'em right into your home! Delightful.

Love couch, baby love couch

2007-06-04T18:54:00.000+10:00

Hmmm... Should I let the eBay seller describe this one for you?

An amazing accessory that will totally transform your life!
Cupids' Couch is an inflatable couch manufactured from top quality cross woven PVC, and is ergonomically designed to hugely enhance your experiences.
The flowing lines of the couch combined with its soft feel and strategically located ankle/wrist handles make all manner of relaxing positions possible.
The couch consists of FOUR air chambers for maximum support and durability The upper chamber can be quickly deflated allowing the partially deflated couch to be easily stored under a double bed.
The couch is supplied complete with a high capacity ELECTRIC pump, a repair kit should you ever need it and a well-illustrated users guide. Holds up to 500 lbs and is easy to clean.

I don't want to think about 500lbs bouncing up and down on this, nor the need to clean it!

These here are crazy stripes

2007-06-02T18:43:00.000+10:00

Gross, yuck, blah. Nothing is good about this fabric. It's so 80's in such a bad way that I think I'm gonna spew. Ergh.

Bloody Brazilians

2007-05-31T18:10:00.000+10:00

I've hinted before about the Brazilian love-gone-wrong saga. Let's pretend you bought me those Bulmers and now I'm all chatty...

In a nutshell met a Brazilian bloke in Portugal when I was there in Feb 2005. We chatted all night, made out, exhanged phone numbers, I thought that was it. No - he txtd me and kept going on about how he'd never met a girl like me before and hoped I would come back to Lagos soon. Given he looked like this:

And Lagos looks like this:

and RyanAir would fly me there for 20 quid, well, I went back for another week.

That week turned into a month. I left to do some more travelling with my old flatmate from Dublin, Swedish Rebecca, and meet up with my beautiful friend Gosia in Prague, but he wanted me to come back again and so proposed over the phone. After a week or so I said yes, moved back to Lagos that May and we lived together for a year. My folks came to visit, loved Marcio, and we applied for his visa for Australia and planned our wedding for August 2006. He went home to Brazil at Christmas, I went to visit friends in the UK as we couldn't afford for us both to fly to Brazil. Anyways, after a year of essentially being a housewife I was officially going doolally, and said I wanted to head home to Oz, get a job and set up house and plan our wedding. He agreed, and I left Portugal in April 2006. Found a wedding dress in London on the way home to Melbourne, bought it. THREE HOURS after I bought the dress and was feeling all happy and in love, I got a call from Marcio to say I probably shouldn't have just bought that wedding dress as he was no longer coming to Australia - he'd had a one night stand when he was home in Brazil and the girl had just shown up at his Mum's place claiming to be pregnant with his baby. Can you imagine how delighted I was? Went through a few months of hell going back and forth about reconciling but in the end he chickened out and went home to Brazil, where he's now living with the 19-year-old slapper he'd got off with and the baby that was born waaaay to early to be his! Fun tale, donchya think? One for the grandkids, for sure.

I'm now as over it as you can be with these things, permanent scars to the heart and all that. I am, however, grateful I found out about his inability to keep his dick in his pants before we got married and had the babies he was forever nagging me to make with him. I've picked up the pieces and am happily getting on with my life: great job, new place, amazing friends and life here in Oz. However, there is still residual resenment towards Brazil and one Brazilian in particular, hence me fugging this couch:

It's of Brazilian design and leather. And it's fugly.

And you didn't even have to cough up for those Bulmers!

Golden velvet

2007-05-29T18:46:00.000+10:00

This poor couch just never had a chance, did it? The frame, the excessive padding, the colour. It's just all too much. Franco Cozzo, you've done it again!

Again with the rainbows

2007-05-29T18:27:00.000+10:00

There's nothing much I love in this world as much as I love gelati. You have not lived until you have experienced the gelato artiginale created by the master Sergio Dondoli. Honestly, this man may possibly be God's representative on this earth. His gelato is that good. If ever I hear of you dear readers heading to San Gimignano in Tuscany and not eating his gelati, well, let's just say it will not be pretty. I will cry, most certainly, and there could be even worse consequences. As all the gelati Signor Dondoli has on offer is seasonal, you may not be able to get these exact combinations, but I highly recommend trying Peach with Vernaccia and the classics of Chocolate with Mint. His Pistachio is also superb.

Ok, sorry, for those of you who know me, you know I take my food very seriously, and the instant thoughts of gelato that this couch inspires in me made me go back to 2001 and a glorious few days spent in gorgeous San Gimignano. Check out this pic, don't you wanna go there?

I guess, in some respects, I should let this couch off on the basis it has inspired the recollection of some wonderful memories.

However, it's just too fugly to do that. But now I know I better pay Gelobar a visit soon.

Daybed delusions

2007-05-28T16:39:00.000+10:00

First off, apologies. I know, long time, no couch. Real life getting in the way and all that. How people have the time to lead these "Second Lives" I don't know.

Anyways, as discussed before, not a fan of this crazy, excessive day bed business currently going on in Couchland. It's all going a bit crazy on that front, as evidenced by this couch.

What the fug? It's like an actual double bed being whacked out in your living room. I thought the whole point of a sofa bed was that the bed was hidden - saving you space. I don't know, maybe people now need giant, bed-sized couches to fill their hideous McMansions in the suburbs. It's either that or this is for a studio apartment and doubles as your actual bed. Have we got to the point where people either live in tiny shoeboxes or they live in a McMansion? Where has the happy medium gone in life? Can you tell I may or may not work for a government department that may or may not be involved in environment and/or planning issues? Sorry, heart on sleeve and all that... (grumpy today, bad news from a friend, promise to try and be nicer tomorrow).

Chinese Cozzo

2007-05-21T18:34:00.000+10:00

It's not just the wogs who go mad for a bit of over-the-top furniture (and before you go thinking I am being racist, I'm not - check out the Aussie section of this Wikipedia entry for the meaning I am going for). Having quite a few friends from Chinese backgrounds I know a couple of them - mainly in Melbourne's eastern suburbs - whose parents would think this was the height of good taste.

It appears Franco Cozzo has some rivals over in "the Far East", as some crazy people in England still refer to China.

Only in America (or possibly South Africa)

2007-05-18T18:29:00.000+10:00

I suddenly find myself with the desire to go and shoot something. I've no idea why...

Perhaps a bear, or a deer. No fair - I loved both Grizzly Adams and Bambi as a child and these people are just making a mockery of such venerable institutions!

And the gorgeous upside down bear coffee table just completes the room, don't you think?

Pass the Big Gulp

2007-05-18T12:11:00.000+10:00

Rather unattractive in its natural state. Possibly not the fugliest couch ever, but certainly not something I want in my home. I haven't got time to plump 300 cushions a day - I have other fugly couches to seek in my quest.

But this one has its own inner beauty. Something I never thought I'd live to see.

Check it out:

No, your eyes do not deceive you, that is a flip down cup holder. And you thought it was cool when they put those into cars. Genius!

Golf, anyone?

2007-05-18T11:56:00.001+10:00

The pattern on this is supposedly of a "European Golf Scene". God Bless America and many of her countrymen's obsession with Europe and the automatic sophistication that comes from something being associated with Europe. Don't get me wrong, Australia's definitely got some colonial love in that direction, but we don't go weak at the knees at a "British" accent the way our Septic Tank cousins do (I know I have readers in America and I love you, so don't be getting all offended now). Aussies are more likely to say "bloody Poms" on hearing an English accent than "Oh, how cute, you're British" as I have seen happen so many times. Hell, you Americans even reckon our hideous Australian accent is cute, and that's just wrong!

Anyways, back to the couch. Yes, it's off eBay USA (and there's a whole lot more good stuff to come in the near future, kids, so heads-up). And apparently this armchair and its three seater couch/sofa would be "suited for a den, game room or bonus room". Bonus room? I know y'all have got even more space out in the States than we do in our big brown (currently extra brown courtesy of drought) land. But are you giving away "bonus rooms" with houses now? Is that a special room where you put the bonus offers you pick up at the supermarket, the home of the "Buy one, get one free"? Seriously, I'd really like to know. Cheers.

Throw this

2007-05-17T18:40:00.000+10:00

This is a throw. It's supposed to cover up an ugly couch! Poor darling, it's so confused. It's whole raison d'etre is non-existent. It's just like the girls who get kicked off of America's Next Top Model in the first episode. They think they're cute, but Miss Tyra just doesn't agree.

Unrelated to this throw, but still amusing, here's a link sent by my mate Andrew, which y'all may enjoy.

Brisbane blues

2007-05-17T18:25:00.000+10:00

Gross, obviously, of course.

But I also love the description - barely every second word is spelled correctly. I know the couch is in Brisvegas, but hey, I've got family there. They're literate...

Today you are bidding on a 4 peice quatro swaide corner lounge with chaise that is less than 2 yrs old. Most commonly used as corner lounge but can actully be rearranged to suit your room or mood. (even acts as a comfy double bed for when vistiors come or your in the doghouse...)It has no visalbe rips or stains as it is scochgaurded. All but 2or 3 leg protecters are still in tact. Comes with the rug we bought to go with the lounge as a bonus. It is advisable to look at the lounge before bidding so you know exactly what you are bidding on. Bought $2600.
Pick up only from brisbane bayside.
When giving lounge quick clean, I did come across some minor marks that arnt noticable when cushions are in place.Because it is scothgaurded they might even come out. Also noticed that 1 seat has a slight dip in the middle. Other than that the lounge in in excellent used conditon. :-)

Bless. Someone's already bid $700 for this. No bloody accounting for taste in this country I call home.

PS Don't ya just love the caravan in the background? Noice... (I'm such a bitchy snob sometimes, I know)

Harry who?

2007-05-15T18:44:00.000+10:00

So this is by Harry Segil - supposedly some hot LA furniture designer. To me, he's taken the style of a perfectly good Deco couch and just fugged it up.

Hardly surprising, though. Check out the man himself:

I do believe he's wearing jodhpurs. And pink socks. 'Nuf said, me thinks.

Lion Lovely

2007-05-15T18:21:00.000+10:00

Oh, gosh, I know I've only been on this quest for a couple of months, but geez, I reckon it's gonna be a struggle to top this one. Check it out in closer detail:

And even closer, if you dare:

Perfect for the Leo in your life!

Hooley Dooley!

2007-05-14T18:07:00.000+10:00

Holy Mother! Sheesh, there's just so much going on here, it's hard to know where to start. There's the whole modern "add on a chaise" bit, which I really don't get or like. The chrome feet - again, not a fan, just too early '90s for me. The sticky-uppy headrests, which cannot be comfortable. And then there's the (admittedly fab) retro material going on with the cushions. Look carefully, though people, as what you think are cushions on top of the headrests are the actual headrests in that retro print. It's just throwing a whole bunch of design elements together and creating a big fat mess. $1400 for this one, sucker.

More modern fugliness

2007-05-14T17:33:00.000+10:00

Don't know what I dislike more about this couch. Is it the jacquard fabric? Is it the bizarre two-toned curly-wurly business going on with the arms? Or the scarily square poof/ottoman/footrest/whatever-they-call-it-in-your-country-dear-reader-thingamebob? Dunno. Do know that I don't like it, though.

The floorboards, however, are lovely. Quite similar to the ones in my new Bachelorette Pad, which is now officially mine! (Well, mine and the bank's, but please don't get all technical and take away from this shiny moment for me, ok? Muchas gracias.)

Take one cow pat...

2007-05-10T17:53:00.000+10:00

This couch is just taking the piss. Actually, am convinced my mate Chris, who sent me this, is having a laugh. I reckon he just got bored one day and played with his Photoshop a bit too long. Because, seriously, what the fug is up with this couch?

Buttons galore

2007-05-10T17:34:00.000+10:00

I get the theory behind the old Chesterfield. I don't love them, but I don't have a moral objection to them in the right context. You know - period home, yada yada.

This one, however, just seems to have too many buttons. I think it's the ones on the bottom of it that push it into uptight button land. I don't want an uptight couch, I want something comfortable that I can sink into and relax.

According to the bible that is Vanity Fair, when Jen and Brad split up (side note: will never forget a txt my friend Gosia sent me back in January 2005 "First the tsunami, now Brad and Jen... Will we ever smile again?"), Jen was happy about one thing. It wasn't the obvious, ie. that she no longer had to worry about giving birth to a child with the freakishly strong jaw any Jen/Brad offspring would have inevitably had. It was this: she was glad to finally have a comfy couch to sit/lie/nap on. Apparently, with Brad being the architecture buff he is, all the furniture in their house was all about the design and not a lot about the comfort.

After splitting up with my Brazilian fiancé last year under rather tumultuous circumstances for which you must buy me alcohol in order for me to reveal (believe me, the tale is worth the cost of a dozen pints of Bulmers), I was glad I no longer had to worry about him trying to reassure me that polyester and nylon were better to wear in summer than COTTON. He reckoned they were more breathable. Yeah, whatever...

Go with the red and gold

2007-05-07T11:27:00.000+10:00

The amount of fugly couches still being produced is quite astounding, such as this red and gold number.

Just yesterday I was shopping for a bed with my mates Frank and Elaine - took them to the den of blandness that is Harvey Norman, aka Ikea without the Swedish meatballs. They were looking for a bed and you can do worse than Harvey Norman (but we did better at Forty Winks - my ability to find a bargain was once again affirmed, F&E were so impressed with the groundwork I'd done recently for my own bed purchase they're now hoping I may need to buy a car or computer in the next few weeks).

Anyways, was left rather speechless as I walked in the door and saw a rather hideous purple faux-suede number. Unfortunately no pics available. But it's quite shocking, really, that a place that should be selling middle-of-the road, inoffensive furniture would bother stocking such fugliness. And at a cost of about $3000. That's just shite.

Fugly futon fabric

2007-05-03T17:13:00.000+10:00

Ok, I know I'm not breaking any ground here by including this futon couch on the blog. Am sure you've all seen these around. Hell, even I have one at the moment (hand-me-down from my sister). But I need to post this question:

WHY do they always come with these hideous fabrics? Seriously, why?

It's so bloody hard to find one of these that doesn't have some fugly print on it.

Here's another one:

My memory of textiles production from high school is kinda limited, but I'm quite sure that producing patterns is harder than just going the plain dye route. So, why bother with these fugly prints that people just end up having to cover up? It's one of the bext examples of an exercise in futility I can think of. Or perhaps there's a conspiracy theory here - the fabric printers also produce throws and other ways of disguising an ugly couch. That's a seriously cunning plan, if it's true.

Cowhide class

2007-05-02T18:18:00.000+10:00

I don't know what I love more about this couch - is it the innate fugliness of the couch, or the fact it's out there on the lawn with an old taxi in the background?

It's like the owners wanted to give the cows that died to create this couch the chance to roam free again. A reincarnation, of sorts.

Chris, this one's for you!

2007-05-01T13:36:00.000+10:00

My mate Chris has commented on this blog a couple of times when I have posted Baroque couches. He kept saying "paint it gold and sell it to the Arabs". Well, no need to paint it gold with this one - the job's already done for you.

No mention on eBay about this having come off the set of Sophia Coppola's Marie Antoinette or any other period piece. It's really got me curious about the place it will eventually call home. Can just imagine the fugliness on offer there.

The Days of Our Beds

2007-04-27T09:05:00.000+10:00

So, don't know if you've noticed, but there’s this whole new trend towards this kind of day bed business, which I simply do not understand.

As someone not so gifted in the leg department – ok, more specifically the leg length department, Lord knows I have enough leg muscle to make a rugby player jealous – I find these bloody day beds rather uncomfortable. I end up looking like I’m in some sort of Alice in Wonderland situation. Cute on a kid, not so cute on a grown woman.

Sure, they’re great for lying on and reading a book, but then again, so is my normal couch (which I promise to post pictures of once it’s in the new bachelorette pad – two weeks and counting).

Frankly, if I want a couch that will double as a bed I’ll buy one of those crazy, not-so-new inventions known as a sofabed. They do exist, they’re rather practical and make so much more sense. They may not have the wank appeal that this one does, but then again I never wanted to be known as a wanker.

Vintage velour

2007-04-20T10:01:00.000+10:00

First of all, apologies for being off the radar for a few days. My new job where I actually get paid to write stuff for the Web is keeping me busy. But now I've got a handle on the whole HTML authoring thing, I should be cool.

Anyways, check this out. Obviously quite the fugly little number in its own right - love the carved wood arms. But what truly fugs it up is the fact that the cushions are reversible. Yep, that dark brown one on the left isn't just there because a bad accident happened to one of the cushions, it's actually the flip side of all the other cushions. Apparently it gives you "the option of having a summer or winter look". My only concern with a couch in summer is the sweat patch factor. In winter, I don't want my butt to freeze on it. Colour - not so fussed about. Call me crazy (and you won't be the first one to do so), but am not fussing over the appropriateness of my couch to the seasons. We are not in a flip flops vs calf length boots shoe option debate here - it's furniture. It's in your house, not wandering the streets.

The couch of destruction

2007-04-20T09:47:00.000+10:00

Wow. And again, WOW...

Karen sent me this (muchas gracias, amiga). She didn't go into any detail about whether it was hers or belonged to a friend.

Looks like it would have been an ok couch before it got turned into the world's biggest chew toy (come to think of it, there's probably another blog in that. Feel free to pinch the idea, have got enough on my plate in fugly couch world). Am assuming this is the work of some rather bored and, at the same time, excited dogs. Though Karen is the rather exceptionally gifted mother of six children. Perhaps she left the kids alone and without enough distractions one day? Karen, feel free to explain in comments.

Am considering getting a dog after I move into my new bachelorette pad. Ideally wanna get a girl beagle and call her Lucy, after Lucy Van Pelt, a long-time personal heroine. My fear is Lucy may turn my furniture into chew toys too, especially if I get her from the Lost Dogs Home or RSPCA, as I am hoping too. Watch this space (well, maybe not this space exactly, but the blog. If I do become a Mama, will definitely be posting brag pics).

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows...

2007-04-16T18:28:00.000+10:00

Confession time. As a small child, I was kinda obsessed with rainbows. I was mad for colours and as many as possible in one place. I used to beg my parents to let me get a whole bunch of sample pots from Bristol paints and go crazy painting my room. I thought it was also a great way to paint a room for free. Lord knows how I love a bargain. However, my parents love of beige won out, of course (way to stunt my self-expression, Mum and Dad).

Little Bec would have thought this couch was the dog's bollocks. Am pretty sure I would have fantasised about owning this couch when I grew up. This was pre my New York loft fantasy, obviously.

Thankfully, as a grown-up (or at least someone who pretends to be one) I now accept that my previous obsession with colour was wrong. Much like my earlier love of Bros.

Grown-up Bec would prefer to see this couch thrown over that balcony in the background, preferably as John Howard and George Bush go for a powerwalk along the street.

I shall now stop referring to myself in the third person. Dziekuję.

Sweat patches from hell

2007-04-16T18:16:00.000+10:00

If I had a webcam I would post a photo of how screwed up my face is looking right now after finding this couch. My face is all distorted and my brow is all furrowed. I better be careful, or the wind might change. Either that, or I may have to get some botox tips from Nicole Kidman, and I don't think anyone wants to see another plastic face wandering around.

I'm wondering if this couch is actually wet, or whether those are sweat patches left after some serious couch potato action on the weekend. Or perhaps it's remnant skin cells from the person who got stuck to this couch after sitting on it on a summer's day. They're never getting that top layer of skin back. This couch may prove a useful skin donor site if the person who owns it ever gets burnt. Though, having said that, I guess there's a fair danger the friction generated from this man-made fabric monstrosity may be the cause of the burns, so it's kind of a self-defeating exercise.

Pretending to be leather

2007-04-16T17:38:00.000+10:00

Sometimes on eBay, I come across some wee gems of descriptions.

Gotta love this one (complete with many sics, though thumbs up for effort)....

THIS IS A MUST FOR ALL BACHELORS AND GUYS WHO HAVE HAD ALL THEIR GOOD FURNITURE TAKEN BY THEIR EX'S....
**This is being re-listed due to the previous buyers transport falling through. Make sure you have transport for this item BEFORE you bid. I shouldn't have to say that, but it appears I do.
this exquisite 'modern classic' is an essential addition to any home. Featuring Cussions, padded armrests and deep seating with a high back, you need not look elsewhere for the perfect pretending to be leather couch. Although it is only pretending to be leather, your friends will never know.
Rich in history, this couch has such bottoms on it as 'Mum', 'Dad', 'My little sister', My Girlfriend before the one I have now', The girlfriend I have now' and the girlfriend before the one before the one I have now'.
For your chance to own this unique, once in a lifetime couch, simply beat the other guy in the auction. If there is no other guy, simply come up with 20 bucks. I recently had Tim Shaw from Demtel ring me up and beg me to let him tell everyone about this couch. I said "no", for he is not worthy.
A couch of this magnitude will need picking up by the winning bidder.
The lucky new owner will need to have a space of at least 150 wide, 90 high and at least 100 deep for his new star piece to reside.
The overall condition of this spectacular specimen can only be described as very good. there are a couple of small nicks in the back of the couch. I solved this problem by butting the couch against a wall and no-one knew, however, the unit's overall appearance is, once again, VERY GOOD!
As a bargain hunter of the highest magnitude would expect, the cussions are removeable via long lengths of velcro, so you know the quality is present.
Runnahmuk, his associates and henchmen do not recommend placement of this couch in front of garage door, as in photo, we recommend pride of place in the lounge.
Will consider trade for Corvette or other American muscle car.

Pass the Neurofen

2007-04-14T21:01:00.000+10:00

This couch gives me a migraine.

Imagine waking up with a hangover, stumbling to the kitchen to fix yourself a nourishing Full Irish Fry and then seeing this. Chunder central, me thinks... I advise strategic bucket placement if you're keen on purchasing this couch (and suggest you stop reading my blog if this couch tickles your fancy, because it's probably not for you).

Golden, greasy brown

2007-04-14T20:26:00.000+10:00

At first glance I thought the person who owned this couch must rarely wash their hair and probably wasn't all that keen on other hygiene regimes either. The reason for the judgement? Well, what appear to be massive grease stains on the leather of this couch.

Alas, I was wrong. Apparently this couch is supposed to look like this. Here's an excerpt from its eBay description.

"The leather is soft and luxurious, and is made to look aged and cracked, giving the sofas a New York loft apartment feel, yet they are modern and trendy and I dont think I have come across anything to this standard since I have been here. "

How silly of me not to recognise the couch's inherent modernity and trendiness. See, as a child I used to harbour the desire of living in a loft in New York. Part of me still has that desire - along with a few million other people. I'm familiar with what qualifies as furniture appropriate to a loft setting, so I should have picked up that this couch has that style about it. Apparently, I shouldn't have missed that appointment at the opthamologists this week.

And am glad about the owners not having come across anything like that since they arrived from the UK to Australia two years ago - thank God for small blessings. That's right, the owners of this apparently bothered their arses to ship this fugly monster from the UK. Why?

$1200 and it's yours. Pick up from Brisvegas. What are you waiting for?

Muscle cars, oh yeah...

2007-04-12T16:25:00.000+10:00

This is wrong. I get cutting up old cars such as Chevys and '50s Falcons to make a couch. They have curves and chrome and other gorgeous design features. Plus, presumably they're cutting up cars that have lived their lives and would otherwise be destined for the scrapyard. This is just fugly. Look at it:

I like the framing of this pic so the rear is in the mirror, though I think it's aided by Photoshop because I can't quite work out the angles (but was never good at math anyways, unless it involves working out the percentage off at a sale and then I am totally ok). Nevertheless, it's v classy. And the tyre coffee table really completes the room, donchya think?

This kind of looks like it should be a ride that spins you around and makes you all woozy. I don't like those rides. Am more of a drop-your-guts Big Dipper rollercoaster kinda gal. I one day hope to complete a rollercoaster tour of America - that's right up there on my "things I'll do when I win the lottery" list. For real, not pretends. I don't joke about rollercoasters...

More floral fugliness

2007-04-11T18:11:00.000+10:00

The owners of this couch inherited it from a great aunt. It doesn't match their "modern" decor. The fact the couch is so fugly they can't even be bothered tainting their lounge room with it for the photograph should suggest to them that they would be grateful for any bids and start off the auction with no reserve. But no, they thought a $375 opening bid would get the ball rolling. Surprise, surprise, no bidders. $20 in the hand will get you a jug and a bowl of fries down my local (or two parmas at Tuesday night trivia), greed will get you nothing but a $4 eBay listing fee down the drain and the cost of a call to the Salvos begging them to get this fugly number out of your driveway.

Zealous zebra prints

2007-04-11T17:56:00.000+10:00

I'm kinda scared of this couch. It's all in your face, Chapel St Prahran, flash-your-cash fashion. You know the type of person who'd own this. It may be pathetic on my part, but those people intimidate me. Because I'm at my most comfortable in a pair of jeans and a rugby top (much to many of my gay friends' chagrin) and I don't reckon you'd even be allowed to sit on a couch like this wearing that...
And I'm pissed off they've ripped off what would have been a lovely old '50s couch design and fugged it up with the zebra print. Leave it alone you pretentious prats!

A sea of floral

2007-04-10T14:36:00.000+10:00

I'm no expert in digital photography and manipulation (and I encourage those who are to post their opinions in the comments section), but this looks to me like these crazy people have gone and placed their couch by the sea to photograph it for sale on eBay... What the fug?

I'm all for a comfy banana lounge when on the beach. And I spent a good portion of yesterday kicking back with a glass or 10 of red on the now "outdoor" couch at my mate Chris's place. But why on earth would you try and enhance the saleability of your couch by photographing it by the sea? WHY???

And I have to say I'm a little disturbed by how the fugly fabric kinda blends in with the mottled concrete of the pier or whatever the hell the couch is on. I don't want anything resembling concrete in my house, certainly not in couch form. Concrete is for outside, for the classic wog front garden and the little old Nonna or Nonno to hose down (like they used to do in pre-Stage 4 water restrictions days, not so much these days. Don't be a Wally with water, people).

Tarty tartan tarte tatins

2007-04-10T14:19:00.000+10:00

I've resisted posting any of the myriad tartan fugly couches out there in eBay land, until now.

The reason for caving in is the sheer size of this tartan job. It's a six seater couch. I don't know many people with the space for a six seater. Thankfully, I know no-one who would choose to upholster a six seater in this fabric.

So this is it, what I hope will be the one and only tartan number to appear here on Most Fugly Couch (am not making promises, don't like to make a promise I am not certain I can keep), because as a rule, they're just too easy a shot.

PS Like the sponged paint work here? The previous owner of my oh-so-swanky and soon-to-be-mine bachelorette pad decided he would wallpaper the second bedroom with blue and white sponged-affect paper. Thankfully he didn't attempt any other renovations I'd have to undo.

Couch potato

2007-04-10T13:45:00.000+10:00

Please forgive me this indulgence. I found this on one of my eBay hunting missions. I don't think he's fulgy, he's quite cute actually. He's got everything I want in a man - nice smile, eyes you could lose yourself in...

Kinda makes you wonder if some people have too much time on their hands. But then, I'm a woman searching for and writing about fugly couches for my own (and hopefully your) amusement.

See below for item description and Q&A from eBay.

This is a real potato looking for a home . The new owner must love it as much as its current owner and must be able to provide him with his own couch.
Spud will sit with you while you read, watch tele, play on the computer or even bid on ebay. He is great company with no demands.
Sun baking is not good for spud , and although he loves a good Sunday roast, he is less than enthusiastic about being part of one. Spud is one of a kind and is certainly not a chip off the old block,
He measures approximately 20cms tall and 9cms wide round his tummy.
Question & Answer
Q:
hi just wondering if spud gets moody around tea time when the family is devouring his relatives,and what is his life span?
04-Apr-07
A:
Funnily enough spud seems to sweat early in the morning, around midday and early in the evening. More deodorant has been my suggestion. As he sits and watches me now whilst I type this, spud assuures me he will live forever if not physically or vegetabbly, in the hearts, minds even tummys of anyone who has the great honour and dare I say privilege of owning him.
Q:
Hi i was looking on ebay and came across spud. I am interested in buying him but just curious about one thing: i love dancing and was wondering "can spud dance - for example can he do the mashed potato?"
04-Apr-07
A:
It's his favourite dance!!!! He loves to wiggle around and have a good time. You'll often hear him in peels of laughter as he enjoys this pasttime.
Q:
how old is he and does he go to the footy with his mates drinking or stay at home with the misses?
04-Apr-07
A:
Spud is in his first year in his 'above ground years' so therefore is a new age sensitive tatta. He does love the footy, (cat fan) but would prefer to take the missus not his mates. He doesn't drink as he is aware he may end up in boiling water.

It's not easy being fugly and green

2007-04-05T14:17:00.000+10:00

This is truly fugly. It doesn't even look comfortable. I can't quite get my head around the design aesthetic for it, either. And the burgundy carpet is not helping things.

Please, post a suggestion in the comments box if you can explain this truly hideous number to me.

Lumpy, frumpy fugliness

2007-04-04T13:14:00.000+10:00

This couch has had its day, why won't the owners let it die in peace? It's got more lumps than Oprah Winfrey's thighs and yet they're clinging on to it, trying to keep it alive like it's Sunny von Bulow or something, and they're hoping to flog it off for $49.95. Accept you got your use out of this couch and move on, people!

Them crazy Swedish kids

2007-04-04T12:38:00.000+10:00

Normally furniture doesn't come more sanitised and inoffensive than Ikea gear. They may not set the world on fire with their designs, but then they don't tend to offend with flaming couches either.

Yet then there is this couch:

I really hate this couch. Strong word, I know, but the more I look at this couch, the more it pisses me off. It is, dare I say, unworthy of coming from the Ikea stable. It's the black sheep of the Ikea family, the Teddy Kennedy (post Chappaquiddick). Nobody, and no couch, wants to be the black sheep who killed a girl and spends his life denying any guilt, even if turns out that he's Teflon-coated and manages to get himself seen as the darling of the left, the elder statesman, by virtue of the fact his other two brothers were killed, leaving him to be the sole male heir to the Camelot dynasty...

Wow, something took a hold there. I think I just ate some dodgy salami. Obviously I don't think any couch, no matter how fugly, is too concerned about crashing their car into a bridge and killing an innocent person because couches don't have cars. Though there are some made of cars. You know, the ones where they chop off the boot/trunk of a 1950s Falcon or something similar and turn it into a couch. Like this:

Or this one:

Makes me wanna head down to the Peach Pit and order a soda and fries from Nat. I hope Brandon will be there. He's so dreamy. And maybe Dylan will pop by. He's even dreamier...

*In an aside, when I was in Prague with my friends Gosia and Glenn, we stumbled across a bar devoted to Beverly Hills 90210. It was fantastic. We sat around drinking beer and eating popcorn (???) while pretending to be Brenda and Kelly. Good times...*

The circle of fugliness

2007-04-03T15:50:00.000+10:00

So this couch does appeal to my love/lust for the quirky and kitsch. I don't think it's all that fugly, to be fair to the couch. It's got the retro/camp quality I so often seek and so infrequently find.

I am, however, astounded by the starting price for this couch - $1800! WTF? That's a hard shape to live with, requiring a large "rumpus" room, me thinks. You can't even lie down on that bad boy, unless you've already got curvature of the spine or something.

Hey, undoubtedly there is no better couch for passing a number along on (apart from when you get to the end of the semi-circle, things may go a little crazy then), but am thinking there's not too many potheads with enough change left over from munchie shopping to shell out $1800 for this couch.

Comprare da Franco Cozzo!

2007-04-02T11:36:00.000+10:00

I've had this one up my sleeve pretty much since starting my quest. Been worried it was too easy. Everyone knows Franco Cozzo and his like are born to feature here on Most Fugly Couch. My mate Ben even posted a comment about notifying Signor Cozzo's lawyers that my blog existed.

During last year's World Cup, Franco Cozzo promised to give a bed to every member of the Australian team if they brought home the trophy from Germany. Maybe that's why they lost to Italy, they just couldn't face the thought of a bit of Cozzo in their bedroom.

This couch be thirsty

2007-04-02T10:59:00.000+10:00

I think this fugly number is the Keith Richards of the couch world. All beaten and worn, abused and wasted, looking beyond redemption at what must surely be the end of its life after many years of neglect.

I love a well-worn leather jacket, a scuffed up pair of hiking boots, hell, even the right handbag can look good all broken in. But it's not a look I want in my leather couch. If I (God-forbid) owned this couch, I would be highly aware that this couch had reached the end of its days. A long time ago. Apparently the people who do own it think otherwise - I found it on eBay. No bids so far. Funny that.

Smelly scallops

2007-03-29T17:15:00.000+10:00

This couch reminds me of a scallop - you know, with the roe attached. Love me a nice scallop, either battered and fried from the fish'n'chip shop or grilled and done asian style with some chilli and corriander and a splash of mirin, or even panfried with some butter and garlic. Like I said, love me a scallop.

That does not mean I want a scallop in my loungeroom, nor do I want this couch with its fugly arms and even fuglier head rests. There ain't a deep fryer in the world big enough to get rid of this nastiness.

Fugly, plain and simple

2007-03-29T16:57:00.000+10:00

I think this one just speaks for itself, really...

Wagon Wheels on Fire

2007-03-29T16:53:00.000+10:00

I knew American eBay wouldn't let me down. I had faith, and the good Lord provided.

Apparently the wheel is off a genuine bullock wagon. I can hardly contain my squeels of delight!

Lucy loves leopards

2007-03-27T17:01:00.000+10:00

Basic black couch: ok.

A couple of leopard print cushions as an accent: a bit pimp daddy for my liking, but not truly revolting.

However, once you get past the two, maybe even three, leopard print cushions you start getting a little too South African Safari for my tastes. Especially when the owners offered to throw in a matching rug (sadly, they didn't put a picture of that on eBay).

Bringing the bus stop into your home

2007-03-27T16:49:00.000+10:00

This is advertised as a couch. Not as a park bench, not as somewhere to sit while waiting for the tram, not even as applicable for a hospital or the like, none of these things.

I have a few basic criteria for a couch, and comfort is right up there. This does not look comfortable. This does not look like something I would fall asleep on while watching Family Guy, even though I really want to stay awake but it's just on so bloody late - damn you, Channel 7 - and I'm trying to walk home from work these days, so am pretty tired by about 10.30pm... (oops, sorry, went off on one there).

Back to the couch. It seems there are matching armchairs:

Am all for this sort of furniture in an airport. Have slept on similar couches at Charles de Gaulle and Edinburgh. Slept on worse at Heathrow. But please, please, don't suggest this belongs in someone's home, especially not mine.

Bundy bogans rejoice!

2007-03-27T10:28:00.000+10:00

It's PVC! It's inflatable! It's gorgeous! It's starting at only $200! Surely your Bundy and Coke has got to taste better when sitting on/sticking to this blow-up number.

The Bobby Flynn couch

2007-03-27T08:48:00.000+10:00

Now, just because this couch makes me want to go out and get some Top Deck chocolate, doesn't make it right. And I never thought I would say that about something that reminds me of chocolate, but there you go.

The very best thing about this couch, though, is the name of the company that sells it. Fatmong. Yep, can you believe it? FATMONG. There aren't enough Depends in the world to keep me dry when laughing at that name. It's just so bloody wrong.

Remember when Kyle Sandilands called Bobby Flynn a mong on Australian Idol last year? Pure class. And this couch is named the Bobby Flynn in his honour (ok, maybe not on the Fatmong website, but it is here at Most Fugly Couch, and that's where it counts).

How dare you cast aspersions on my fair city?!

2007-03-27T08:26:00.000+10:00

First of all, apologies in advance, Fugly Couchers. Couldn't manage to "borrow" the photo for this couch from the Argos website, so have had to copy the link for you instead:

http://www.argos.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Search?storeId=10001&amp;catalogId=10651&langId=-1&searchTerms=6402970&go.x=9&go.y=10

My good mate Zoe in London put me on to this fugly blue number (also available in brown, but that still doesn't make it right). Apparently the landlady at her new flat is suggesting this should be what Zoe sits on while she belts out her karaoke numbers on Playstation Singstar and partakes in strong cider (good woman, she is). The temerity of the landlady! Obviously doesn't know what a stylista the Z-star is.

But the true insidiousness of this couch is its name: The Melbourne. THE MELBOURNE??!! How dare Argos denigrate the fabulousness that is my hometown by naming such a fugly couch after her? A pox on your house, Argos!

Karma Chameleon couch

2007-03-23T15:34:00.000+11:00

Did you know that some fugly couches have chameleon abilities?

It's true.

Don't believe me? Well, tell me if you can find the couch in here amongst all that carpet. It's very Where's Wally? or Where's Waldo?, depending on which side of the Atlantic/Pacific you're on...

This one's too hard, and this one's too soft...

2007-03-23T09:48:00.000+11:00

Can someone please explain this to me? Am seriously confused by this couch. Was it designed for Mama, Papa and Baby bear? Why else the three weird and seriously fugly head rests...

Added bonus. A couple of matching arm, or should that be head, chairs:

Maybe this is all part of some weird body part collection. I hate to think what could be next.

Colour my world

2007-03-23T08:56:00.000+11:00

In the oh-so-brief amount of time I've been trawling eBay for this blog, there's a key word that I've very quickly learnt can mean fugly couch gold. That word? Custom, of course.

You're setting yourself up for re-sale failure when you go the custom route, obviously. Having identified that your tastes are so specific that you need to get your couch made just for you will pretty much mean the market for people wanting something similar is not going to be that broad.

And then you end up with something like this setting...

There's no mention in the ad about this having come off the set of a failed children's television show, and that's the only place I can think of that this would be at home.

You could see a presenter sitting on this chair and being all bubbly and bright.

As for me, it kinda just gives me a headache. And that's coming from a girl whose dream job would be hosting Sesame Street. No jokes, that's a fact. I even went to my brother's girlfriend's 21st "Dream Job" theme party dressed as a Sesame Street host. Mr Snuffleupagus and I are good mates.

Ooh la la

2007-03-22T15:30:00.000+11:00

That' s a whole lotta fugliness on offer in one lot.

Supposedly, it's French. Am thinking more "pretendy French, I wanna be Juliette Binoche" than actual French. I don't wish to cast aspersions on our gallic cousins. Am a big fan of their work in the Crème Brûlée realm and I spent a good portion of the previous weekend imbibing Kir Royales. Mmm... bubbles and cassis...

Sorry, got distracted there. Back to the fugly furniture.

What disturbs me most about this is that I know people who have similar furniture in their home and unfortunately theirs isn't up for sale on eBay, dangnammit! Please, hang on to one of the dinky little chairs in the bedroom to pile up clothes on that you can't be bothered putting away, but otherwise do purge your home of this Francophile shame. Merci beaucoup. À bientôt!

Antique? Me thinks not.

2007-03-22T14:57:00.000+11:00

This is supposedly an "antique" Saba chair, according to the owner's listing on eBay.

Last time I checked (which was today, as I doubted myself) something needs to be 100 years old before it's considered an antique. I'm thinking vintage may even be a stretch for this orange smoothie, because even though I'm sure Dave and Mabel have probably fallen off the perch in the intervening years, I still reckon this couch is not much more than 20 years old.

Do you (sorry, probably only for Melbourne) kids remember Dave and Mabel? I used to nag my parents to take me to the Saba Furniture showroom so I could say g'day to said sulphur-crested Cockatoos. Never got taken there. The wilds of Dandenong were just that bit too far from the mean streets of West Preston.

Burn, baby, burn, this couch belongs in an inferno

2007-03-22T14:43:00.000+11:00

Goodness, gracious, great couches of fire – what the hell is going on here? (Sidenote- do you like my highly appropriate use of the word hell there? Nice, eh?)

Is this the couch on which Saddam and the South Park Satan shared their first magic moments? It is rather cartoonish in its execution (and I’m kinda hoping the person who designed it is awaiting said fate).

Why would you want this in your house? Why would you even make such a couch?

I just hope, nay pray, this was just a nasty joke that went wrong. I’d hate to think someone actually thought this was a good idea.

When bad fabric happens to good couches

2007-03-19T16:51:00.000+11:00

I love a club lounge. I've just been bidding on one on eBay for my new place. Was rather gorgeous and went for a reasonable price but would have had to collect it from Narre Warren, which would have caused me a whole world of pain. I didn't love it that much. So my search continues.

I know underneath this hideous yellow fabric is a tortured, gorgeous club lounge fighting to get out. I can hear its screams "please, find me some lovely lush chocolate velour and save me from a suicide in a tulip patch". And the tragedy is, you can tell this has been recently re-covered too. Oh the sad, unrealised opportunity. Just like Britney when she was with Justin - full of hope and promise. This fabric is the K-Fed of the upholstery world, it takes the shine away from a once beautiful thing. I need to go wash now.

When Italian design goes wrong...

2007-03-19T16:47:00.000+11:00

I can just see someone in Melbourne's relatively-new Docklands thinking this is the dog's bollocks.
Yet all I can think about is the poor zebras sacrificed for this monochrome monstrosity.

Bringing up Baby (Bogan style)

2007-03-16T12:58:00.000+11:00

Now this couch is what is wrong with Australia. It's one of those little kiddie flip-out-into-a-bed couches. I had one of them when I was a kid. Loved it. I think it was a Strawberry Shortcake one and it made sleep-overs at Nana and Pa's even more fun.

But this one's got "Holden Racing Team" emblazoned across it. The child who sleeps in this bed has no hope but to grow up a bogan. That's because his Mum's a bogan and his Dad's a bogan - gotta be. And we all know that when you've got two dominant bogan genes, it takes a hell of a lot of willpower, exposure to Vogue (when it doesn't have eejits such as Sienna Miller on the cover) and other fahionable reference points to overcome a Double Bogan Gene. The DBG baby must never taste Bundaberg Rum, Jim Beam, Cougar (or any bourbon other than Maker's Mark) or else he will instantly sprout a mullet, find his legs wrapped in acid-wash skinny jeans and a Winnie Blue will be permanently hanging out of his mouth. Same goes for his sister.

Pleather pleats

2007-03-16T12:52:00.000+11:00

See, the shape for this couch is ok - kinda retro. Not great, but ok. Am not crazy about the colour, but it's not violently hideous.

However, I need to talk about the pleats... What the fug is going on there? Why would you do that to a serviceable couch? Why?

And the added bonus is: it's pleather. Yep "genuine imitation leather," according to the eBay ad.

Oh, and check out the lining on the back:

Am thinking a "Made in China" label is kinda redundant.

Get your hands off me!

2007-03-16T12:39:00.000+11:00

Please God, no.

Really, what made you allow someone to take this couch from being a figment of their seriously fugged-up imagination and turn it into a reality? In purple.

Have a close look at it. It seems to have more than the requisite four fingers and a thumb per hand. But it doesn't. It's this weird phenomen I once read Matt Groening talking about. Apparently the reason The Simpsons only have three fingers and a thumb is because when you draw an anatomically correct hand it looks all fugged up and nasty. It's true: draw one yourself, or just pay attention to the odd cartoon that does have the right number of fingers on a human hand. It ends up looking like a bunch of sausages hanging off a plate.

This couch gets worse: seems like it bred and now we've got a baby to go with it...

Please, Lord, make it stop! I know the Pope is against interventionist contraception, but is having more couches like this in the world really going to help anybody?

Shiny, happy couches...

2007-03-16T12:33:00.000+11:00

Have you ever seen a shinier couch in the whole wide world?

It looks kinda like Arnie Shwarzen-ham-and-egg-n'burger did back in his Mr Universe days - all oil gloss over taught, rippling leather-like skin.

I'm concerned that if I attempted to sit on this couch I would actually slip right off it and do some serious damage to my ass. Nobody wants that. I'm no JLo but I do like my butt and I would like to keep it in its current non-smashed-up state.

Keep them doggies rollin', Rawhide...

2007-03-15T17:24:00.000+11:00

What a bloody beauty! This is just pure gorgeousness.

One of my dear friends once had the misfortune to be living with a guy who would have thought this was the height of sophistication. His name was Lance Pitt and I am happy to say he has faced and been convicted of criminal charges. My friend, on the other hand, finally left the stupid fugger and is now married to a gorgeous husband (who would sooner shoot himself than own this piece of fugliness). She's tried her hardest to erase the memory of her time spent with the pathetic Walter Mitty-style criminal. The lesson there, my friends, is if you like this couch, you possibly have criminal tendencies.

Now, I have to say I was mightily disappointed with what eBay UK had on offer, until I struck this bit of fabulousness. It seemed the British either kept their hideous couches hidden behind closed doors in their irrepressible repressiveness, or they at least had the decency to try and get rid of them via the charity shop, not actually sell them.

I think the description for this item (which could be yours for only £3,850), says more than I could ever hope to:

"Andrew Martin Special Order Sofa - UNIQUE! only one ever made!
This sofa was ordered from Andrew Martin in Walton Street, London especially for a show flat as part of a property development project
It took 22 weeks to make and match the right cowhide from south Africa to the right leather that would give the requested look
It has never been used or sat on however it has a few marks on the leather from transport. With some shoe leather nourishing cream they will blend in
it measures 225 cm long, 97 cm deep and 81 cm tall.
The sofa was paid for £5,700 in 2004 and since we now have no use for it i am offering it at a bargain starting price. Collection is expected from London W2. If posting is required PLEASE do not ask me how much it will cost since i dont know. You can give the dimensions to a courrier company and they will quote you. I do not know the weight of it but you should not need it since courriers go by dimensional weight rather than actual weigh.
Good luck and happy bidding.
REDUCED TO SELL BY THIS WEEKEND!!!"

(a few sics in there)

The eternal optimism of the eBay seller will never cease to amaze me. No doubt, some cashed-up chav will find a good spot for it in his/her Essex pad. Jade Goody, this one's for you...

RIP, Gianni, because there's no rest to be had on this baby

2007-03-15T16:07:00.000+11:00

Oh... My... God...

Never, ever, ever, have I seen a better example of the expression "money cannot buy good taste". Opening bid: $16,000, or Buy It Now for only $18,500. I've never even owned a car worth that much. In fact, I think adding up the three cars I have owned, I'm still not even close to that.

When I was on Temptation, one of the prizes was a Versace bed, coming in at about $25,000RRP, so I know this thing legitimately would retail for the $20,770 the seller claims. My dear mate Gosia even got some pics of said bed in its garish glory.

Have another look at the gorgeousness that is this couch:

And another:

And the weird arm rest thing:

Do you use that as a coffee table? Presumably you have the Versace cups and saucers, or else, what's the point? It's not like your $2 Ikea mug would be able to cope with all that gaudiness.

The only thing that stops me from thinking Elton John is getting rid of this is the knowledge that this little beauty is for sale in my own fair city of Melbourne. In South Yarra, of course.

This couch is making a pretty strong case for claiming to be front runner in the quest to find the world's most fugly couch. It's saying all the right things, paying all the right people the right bribes. But I think that may be just just too easy - it's Versace afterall, it's a gimme. Surely, however, it should get one of those "Lifetime Achievement Awards" like they give out at the Oscars. Fair play, Gianni Versace. Even in death, we're still in awe of your extravagance.

If you love them, you'll set them free...

2007-03-15T15:53:00.000+11:00

So, the owners of this couch are obviously aware of how ugly this thing is; they've started bidding at $2.95. Goes to show, if you set your expectations low you'll rarely be disappointed. Still, as there are no bids so far on this beauty, they may yet feel that sinking feeling.

I feel bad for those birds embroidered on there - is that not cruelty to animals? Should I call Pamela Anderson and her PETA mates? She may fall for it, given she didn't even realise her beloved Ugg boots are made from sheepskin.

Orange delight

2007-03-15T15:41:00.000+11:00

I'm sure buying this couch seemed like a great idea at the time:
"I know, let's do the walls white and keep the floors bare, but we'll go for a really bright, bold statement couch. A real conversation starter..."
Sadly, for me, the only conversation I want to have about this couch is the one where we discuss where to burn it and perhaps something about environmental concerns from the resulting toxic fumes that are sure to result from said bonfire.

Ensconced in velvet...

2007-03-15T15:04:00.000+11:00

This glorious burgundy specimen is looking for a new home. Can you help?

Its owners insist it's been in "the good room" for five years. On average, they use the good room twice a year, they reckon, so calculate it has only been sat on 10 times in its lifetime. Wow. They reckon it retails for $8500, but they've very generously opened the bidding at $3000, with a $5000 Buy It Now option.

So, on their estimation, there's been $350 worth of loss every time someone has sat their ass on this couch. Maybe JLo was a regular visitor.

The owners also claim it is "worth a furtune". A furtune? Is there fur inside the cushions? Does it sing songs by the band Fur? Can you trade fur to buy the couch?

Its velvet nature reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George talks of his dream to be permanently "ensconced in velvet". He gets a velvet tracksuit and eventually finds a woman who shares his dream. It's a beautiful thing. Personally, I used to dream of being able to have the water bubblers at school dispense chocolate milk and Fanta (not at the same time, that would be wrong, obviously, though it would be kinda Jaffa-like). My more recent dream is to be a judge on Iron Chef. That, my friends, would rock my world.

Sometimes life is a couch of roses...

2007-03-15T14:46:00.000+11:00

Wow, looks like a dog who's eaten a load of roses and is not feeling so well after a big night out threw up all over this couch.

These people paid $4000 for this delightful suite. They're asking a minimum bid of $1500 on eBay.

Well, I guess you get around 1 rose for every $1 you spend at that rate.

Just look at them in close-up, they're so prrrretty...

I think that Laura Ashley herself may baulk at this, though, and that's just not good because when you're a floral couch you want Laura Ashley in your corner.

Ghetto Versace (is there any other kind?)

2007-03-14T17:05:00.000+11:00

I reckon this is Versace for the ghetto.

The seller says they bought this in LA and are all "Oh, it's totally Hollywood chic". Yeah, whatever.

Look at those tassles in close-up:

And check out the chaise longue that comes with it.

Wrong. A whole world of it.

The quest begins...

2007-03-13T17:00:00.000+11:00

So, welcome to my blog. This is going to be about my quest to find the fugliest couch in the world. The quest dawned on me last night.
See, I've been trawling eBay looking for furniture for my new bachelorette pad. Am oh-so-chuffed to finally be on the property ladder and am hoping to furnish my very retro 1950s place with some original furniture.
But as I've been plundering the depths of eBay in search of a gem, I've seen some mighty ugly furniture.
Such as this fine specimen:

Good God, why would you want that in your lounge room? Why? How many cows gave their hides and lives for this number? It's kinda like a Mars Bar got melted and turned into a couch.

Anyways, this is an example of what's out there. There's much more to come. I do hope you will join me on my quest to find the most fugly couch in the world. Email me
at fugly.couch@gmail.com with photos of fugly couches you find, tell me why you find them so fugly and I will add my own comments. Let the quest begin!